


Fergus Cousland's Winter Break Part 2

by Khazarkhum



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: AU, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-02
Updated: 2011-02-01
Packaged: 2017-10-09 06:18:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/83932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khazarkhum/pseuds/Khazarkhum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After accidentally giving Alistair the camera full of incriminating evidence, Fergus awaits his doom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alistair & The Camera of Doom

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 4

I hid in my room, pillow over my head. What a pathetic way to spend my last hours alive. Alistair would see, he'd show the pictures to Cailan, and I would die. If I was lucky I wouldn't get the entire family disgraced. I'd be thrown to the wolves, Elissa would have to work in a cheap whorehouse in Redcliffe, and Mom would dig up my corpse to kill over and over again.

So when Gilmore said I had company, I slunk out to be executed.

Alistair smirked when he saw me. "I want you to know, Fergus, that we had to buy every bit of film in the store, plus all the film in the machine, and everything they had developed since yesterday. Then we had to buy all the cameras, all the candy, and all the beer. On top of that we had to make him sign a confession so he'd never, ever talk. Oh, and flowers. We had to buy flowers for Anora."

"Sweet Andraste…"

"Oh, but there's more. We took it all back and destroyed everything. All the negatives, the pictures, people's other pictures—and mind you, there were some very interesting pictures in that pile—anyway, all that had to go. Then we had to take the ash down to the main incinerator to have it burned away. That was quite the task you gave us, you know? Might have been easier to make a desire demon wear a three-piece suit.

"Anyway, when we were done we took the best picture of Anora—you know the kind I mean? One of those moments that you'll treasure forever? The ones you want to share with Grandma and the rest of the family. Well, we put it in an envelope, Cailan planted the Royal seal on it, tied the flowers to it, and left it on her pillows. Which were unused, of course. Those tense fellows who follow her around weren't going to deny us access to her holy of holies, now, were they? Especially since they were the ones who lost track of her.

"So you're a free man, Fergus. We'll be giving away cameras and beer for days, I think, but that's hardly going to be a problem with this crowd. Anyway, I'll see you downstairs later, right?" He walked off, whistling.


	2. The Hot Tub of Glory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you really need to be told?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 5

Anders and I wandered downstairs a little later. There was a huge long line of girls all across the building, all of them giggling and chattering. Anders spotted Iona and asked her what was up.

"Cailan's taking pictures!" she shrieked and all the girls around her started nodding and talking.

"Maker's breath," said Anders, "you can't all be here just to see him use a camera. Does he even have the sense to take the lens cap off?"

"No! He's taking pictures with people in the hot tubs!"

We pushed our way past the crowd to see what was really happening. Out on the lower deck this Dalish girl had a big sign that said SAVE THE HALLA. Alongside her was Teagan, sitting with a box that said DONATIONS. Next to him were all these boxes of disposable cameras and bags of candy. Behind him was the hot tub, with Alistair and Cailan lounging in the bubbles.

Someone would put money in the DONATIONS box, they'd climb into the hot tub between the brothers, and Cullen would snap a picture. When they got out of the water Cullen gave them the camera and a bag of candy.

I think every girl there just happened to have brought a bikini on the chance they might find Alistair or Cailan in the hot tub. And the ones that hadn't brought them were mobbing the lodge's store or trying to get other girls to let them borrow theirs.

We watched for a while. Teagan was cracking jokes in between drinking beer. It didn't look like the girls were having trouble smiling or relaxing or anything else. Alistair had his hair carefully gelled so it'd stick up just right, while Cailan had his spread out over his shoulders. Maker's breath, I swear you can see his smile from orbit.

Wynne, the older mage lady, got into the tub with them. They glanced at each other. When Cullen said "CHEESE" they both kissed her. I thought she was going to faint dead away. Eventually Zevran came to the tub. As soon as Cullen raised the camera, they dunked him. Zev came up, sputtering and laughing that he'd finally seen the Royal treasury. Before anyone could stop him he whipped off his shorts and went running through the lodge.

I had been perfectly content not seeing elf wang, and now I was afraid of whatever else Zevran might do. I needed to find Nate before I ended up going blind or something.

I found Nate and most of the guys from the different teams down along one of the winding paths through the grounds. They were all standing around one of the big wrought-iron lampposts. Sten was right next to it, while Tommy kept trying to hand him a beer. Perth had a notebook, and was taking bets from the rest of the guys.

This looked interesting, definitely more interesting than Zevran's johnson. I sauntered over to Nate.

"We're taking bets on whether or not he'll lick the lamppost." Nate grinned. "Tommy's offering him all the beer he can drink if he'll do it. He's still thinking about it."

Daveth started eating one of the giant chocolate chip cookies from the lodge. Sten stared at him. Even as far away as I was I could see he really wanted that cookie.

"OK, Sten," said Tommy. "You'll do it for all the cookies you can eat?"

Sten gave a curt nod. Grabbing the lamppost manfully, he bent over and licked it.

His tongue stuck fast.

Everyone broke out laughing. Sten grimaced, trying to pull free. Perth high-fived guys while handing out money. Tommy dropped his empty bottle and went for another.

"ARRRggggHHH!" Sten leaned back, still stuck. He tightened his grip on the post. I could see the metal denting.

"Uhh, Nate?"

"What?" he was laughing too hard and too busy jingling coins to look.

Sten pulled at the lamppost and I could see it move.

"Nate!"

"What is it, Fergus?"

Roaring, Sten ripped the lamppost free of the ground.

"That!"

"Sweet Maker!" Nate took off, running for the lodge. Everybody else scattered.

Sten staggered down the path, holding the lamppost and shouting what sounded like "RRWWHHOOWWW". Something told me I should follow him and try to help. Something also told me that I might want to keep a safe distance.

Before he reached the parking lot, Sten managed to get free of the lamppost. But instead of dropping it or hurling it at some trees, he continued to carry it. He stalked around the parking lot, grunting and growling. For a minute I thought he might find my van, but no. He stopped next to Nate's little Ford, pissed on it, and began bashing the living shit out of it with the lamppost.

It was time for me to leave him alone. There was no way I was getting between Sten and that car. Nate could kill Tommy over the car later. I went back to the lodge just in time for Elissa to pop out of the hottub to get her camera and bag of little candy bars.

I found Morrigan in the lobby, wrapped up in her book. I asked her to take Elissa upstairs to change so she wouldn't be embarrassed by me taking her. She likes Elissa anyway, I think, or as much as she likes anyone. I was going to ask her why she wasn't in line with the rest of the girls, but figured that a girl who willingly read feminist poetry probably wasn't into guys in the first place.

Once they were gone I went looking for Nate. He couldn't have gone too far, and he probably should know that his car had been crushed by a Qunari giant. Does insurance even cover that? Maybe Tommy would pay for it, since it was his idea that got the whole thing started. Or maybe it was Perth. All I knew was that it wasn't me, and for that I was grateful.

I am SO watching what I drink from now on.


	3. Disco Inferno

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Anora Dance? What about Teagan? Does Alistair wear his dad's disco suit? Why does Morrigan like a good dancer? Find the answers to all these questions, and some you never thought you'd be asking, in this chapter!

XXX6

"Disco Inferno! Live Band! Free Beer!"

Anders said it was our solemn duty as students to go and make utter fools of ourselves on the dance floor. Besides, he had a little gold necklace for his cat, and a bright red disco shirt for himself. Oh, and a necklace that matched the cat's. Gilmore had on his Dad's qiana shirt with little hot air balloons all over it. Cullen had a pastel lime green suit with wide lapels and sequins on the legs. He said it was his Dad's, because when his dad was in college he and his brother had started a disco band to meet girls. Even Jowan had a puffy pink shirt with ruffles down the front. Maker's breath, was everyone's Dad into disco but mine?

Well, yes. Everyone but me had something that was originally worn for Disco. Even Morrigan had on a slit white dress, with her hair all fluffed out. Maybe Mom made Dad burn everything that—Umm, no. Elissa had on one of Mom's old Disco dresses, a slinky black number with a Hawaiian print.

So I was the dork in the T shirt &amp; jeans. Maker.

There was a huge disco ball hanging from the ceiling, with all kinds of colored lights flashing around. On the stage was a band that probably had its start back in the Golden Days of Disco. They had on these pale blue polyester suits, with white ruffled shirts. All of them had big puffy hair, even the guy who was going bald.

They were playing something like "we want the funk, give up the funk" when Anders and I got there. The dance floor had only a couple of people on it: Alistair in a white polyester suit that had to have originally been King Maric's, and Teagan. Teagan probably bought those clothes when they were new. He had a black qiana shirt that was open to the waist, skin tight—and I mean tight—pants with flared legs, and a big gold necklace. All his girls were with him, shimmying in little shiny blue and white dresses.

Teagan was busting some serious moves out there, and I mean "Saturday Night Fever" style moves. _How_ he was doing it without ripping those pants to shreds was a mystery. The girls had all they could do to keep up with him. Just watching him was giving me feelings of inadequacy, and I didn't even have the fig leaf of something decent to wear.

The band's singer said the next song was by special request. The lights dimmed. There was some movement in the crowd, and then Cailan and a girl I couldn't quite see in a disco dress stepped out onto the floor. You didn't need lights to see what Cailan was wearing. He had on what had to be a custom gold lame' jumpsuit, with the Royal arms sequinned on the back. It had these huge, wide flare legs, with dragons and flames sequined up the sides. The front was open to the waist, and he had a white ruffly shirt that puffed out everywhere. And gold platforms. Those had to have been specially made. Who'd normally have shoes like that for sale? No one, that's who.

He was facing the stage, with the girl in his arms. So Anora was forgiven, I guess. Anders nudged me. "Isn't that Anora over there?"

I looked. Sure enough, there she was, surrounded by her serious men, who were all wearing leisure suits. You can only look so tough in a pastel leisure suit. She had a death grip on a glass with some kind of drink in it. The dress she had on was a silvery blue short thing with fringe everywhere. She wasn't smiling, either; she was grimacing.

"Looks like trouble in paradise," said Anders. His cat meowed.

Well, things were definitely getting interesting. Now I'm not normally into this kind of gossip, but Mom would rip out my toenails if I didn't share something this juicy. And I knew why things were interesting—or rather, I sort of knew why.

The lights came up, and the band started playing "Superfreak". Cailan took a big step back and swirled the girl out for the dance.

Maker's breath—

_He had Wynne, the mage lady!_ She had on a purple disco dress, with her hair down and brushed out, so it was longer than his. She said something and they started doing the Batusi. They both knew the words to the song, too—at least I think that they were singing with the band. Maybe they were making plans for later. I didn't know anymore.

"Sweet Maker," snickered Anders, "First Enchanter Irving would _love_ this. And they ran out of cameras."

That dance set a pattern. Alistair and Cailan would finish one dance and then go pick another girl out of the crowd. And not the girls you'd expect them to pick, either. No, they were going for the ones that usually get left out: the fat ones, the really tall skinny ones, the ones in glasses, the shy ones, the elves, the dwarves--you name it. And of course once they'd had their dance, other guys would take over.

Anders and his cat picked up a mage student in a green and gold dress. I looked for someone, anyone, to dance with. The girls weren't even seeing me. It had to be the T shirt and jeans. I looked like a complete tool next to all the shiny, glittery disco suits.

The band started "Brick House". I don't care where you are, I don't care what you're doing—that stupid song instantly turns a place into a strip joint. Maker's breath, it even turns the _ Chantry_ into a strip club. You don't even have to take off your clothes. I might not have cared quite so much if Elissa hadn't been picked by Alistair for that dance.

Morrigan grabbed my arm. "Sweet Andraste, Cousland," she said, "you look pathetic. I can't leave our token rocker on the sidelines."

"Token rocker?"

"You mean—you mean you _didn't_ wear that Ozzy shirt to make a statement?"

"No. It's all I had."

"Maker's breath, Cousland!" She looked at me like I had three heads. "Even my mother had a dress I could borrow."

"I guess my Dad was a nerd."

"Then consider this a mercy dance." She grabbed my arm and we eased onto the dance floor.

The band started up "Night Fever." Out of the corner of my eye I saw Anora get pulled out by Cailan.

OK, I admit—I was curious about this would play out. So was Morrigan. She positioned us so we could get a pretty good view of them. "Night Fever" is kind of a slow song, which meant there was more time for talking, maybe even getting close. Except they weren't getting too close. To me he looked like his usual friendly self, but that doesn't mean very much. That's like saying the night is dark. No, to figure out what was going on, I had to watch Anora.

When I had her as a TA she was deadly serious about everything, and I mean _everything_. She had all her papers just so, had all her books in some kind of special order, even had all her clothes and bags exactly matched. Never had a hair out of place, never had any flaws in her makeup. It was kind of like dealing with a manikin or a robot.

Well, Cailan might as well have been dragging a manikin around, except that, you know, manikins look human and kind of sexy. And they move. Anora didn't move, at least, not on her own. She had to be pulled through everything. It was the most painful dance I've ever seen.

At the end Anora stomped off the floor. Morrigan remained fixed on the gold jumpsuit. "Do you know why women like good dancers, Cousland?"

"No."

She half-smiled before heading after Cailan. "Rhythm."

She tapped him on the shoulder, he smiled at her, and off they went to "Shake Your Booty".

Morrigan? Really? Even _ Morrigan? _Sweet Andastre.

I needed a drink. I made my way over to the bar, where some idiot in a Big Bird costume was downing shots. Who wears a sodding Big Bird costume to a disco party?

"Cousland!" shouted Zevran from within the pile of yellow feathers.

"What are you doing?"

"They had no ducks!" He boogied out onto the dance floor. As soon as the lights hit him the band stopped whatever it was they were playing and switched to something called "Disco Duck". He grabbed Teagan and the two of them started.

Everyone—and I mean everyone—backed off, giving them the whole dance floor. Zevran was trying to sing along, but instead he made Donald Duck sound like a drunk Antivan gigolo. Teagan was doing some insane move where he'd drop to his knees, scoot, then pop up and start over. I kept waiting to hear the fabric rip and have Teagan spill out. And then I knew why Zevran wanted him out there—he hoped to see that happen.

When the song ended, Zevran had several girls come up to him for dancing. I heard him laughing in the feathers and knew, right then, I had to go. It was bad enough having the only T shirt in the place, it kind of stung not being able to get girls to dance when Anders had no trouble, but losing any chance at girls to a bisexual elf in a Big Bird suit was just too much for what remained of my ego. Maybe when I get home I'll set fire to Dad's wardrobe for not having the decency to keep one sodding qiana shirt.


	4. Fergus  & Alistair Wrangle Models

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Anora falls on the bunny slope, Alistair asks Fergus to help with the models for Anora's fashion show.

In the morning I went looking for Nate, to see if he'd like to do some cross-country skiing with me. I thought it'd be a nice way to try and recover from the disco fiasco. Nate was in, but Tommy wasn't; we figured he'd gotten wasted somewhere, like he usually did.

On the way to the skis we passed Cullen, who was just getting back to our suite. His shirt was unbuttoned and he had his dad's jacket slung over one shoulder. From the look in his eye and the way he moved, I knew how _ his _night had gone. A damned sight better than mine, that's for sure.

We took one of the lifts up and made our way to the trails. The day was cloudy, with enough snow falling that everything seemed quiet and peaceful. Maker knows I needed that after the disco inferno. We slipped along, not saying anything because neither of us wanted to break the soft silence. That, and Nate had a bit of a hangover.

There was a small herd of halla pawing the snow for food that we skied past. They look even more ghostly and unworldly in the snow. Maybe that's why the Dalish are so big on them.

The trail dropped down into the valley, slowly winding past the various runs and open meadows. We were in a bunch of trees when we heard the snowmobiles buzzing ahead. Nate looked unhappy, and with the headache I knew he had I didn't blame him.

We got into the clearing where the snowmobiles were running.

Most of the football team, some of the wrestlers and a few of our guys were standing around two snowmobiles. Jory was on one, and Perth on another. They each had on a football helmet, they both had ski poles, and they were revving the motors. Daveth had a red T shirt he waved around. Jory and Perth backed up the snowmobiles until they were facing each other.

"Maker's breath," said Nate, "you don't think they're going to joust, do you?"

We both knew the answer already. I didn't have to say a word.

Daveth raised the red shirt. We took that as a signal to leave, now, before we could get called as witnesses. As we cut across the hill, running away from them, we heard the snowmobiles start.

"I'm not looking," said Nate. And neither was I. No, all I wanted to do was get back to the nice, safe lodge, where there'd still be a free breakfast, a big roaring fire, and no idiots impaled on ski poles. All we had to do was keep going, turn the skis in, and we were home free.

As we got to the lodge, we saw Anora and her merry men head for the beginner's slope. I would have thought that she knew how to ski, but then I also would have expected that she knew how to dance. I guess that maybe she'd spent so much time studying she never bothered to learn how to do anything.

It was nice and quiet down in the main room. I gathered up a breakfast and sat near the fire. By now Cullen would be done with his shower, and Anders would be getting his cat ready for the day. Iona and Elissa would be hogging the mirrors, trying to do make-up. Yes, down here in the main room it was nice and quiet.

Until Alistair and Cailan went sprinting across the room and ran outside.

Everyone crowded over to the windows to see what was up. A few minutes later I could hear the thudding of a chopper as it passed over the lodge. One of the big Medevac birds landed on the slope. There were all these people milling around, some in uniform. A few minutes later they loaded someone in and it took off.

I saw Gilmore come in from outside. He didn't look happy.

"What happened?"

"Anora crashed on the bunny slope."

I tried not to snicker. Nate didn't even try. "You're kidding. They needed a chopper for that?"

"You know why she got one," said Gilmore.

Nate and I retreated to the fireplace. "You know what Tommy heard, don't you?"

I hoped not. "About what?"

"Weren't you at the dance last night? Tommy says Anora is furious with Cailan over something he did."

"Like what? Dance with Wynne?"

"No, something else. Before the dance."

"Oh?" Dear Maker, what had she told people? And was my name somehow linked?

"Anyway, she's going to do something to 'teach him a lesson'. I bet she wiped out on purpose, to get his attention."  
Behind him I saw Cailan and Alistair come in the lodge. They talked to Gilmore for a minute before heading for the elevators.

"Well, if that's what she wanted it sure didn't work, because he's still here."

Nate kind of smiled. "So there _is _ a fight going on. Maybe Tommy has heard more." And he left.

Anders met me by the elevator. "Elissa is really upset. You'd better get up there."

Maker's breath. What now? Anders and I headed up.

Well, 'what now' turned out to be a 'fashion show'. Anora was supposed to be hosting a fashion show, and all the girls were going to go and watch. But with Anora horribly mangled beyond hope by falling on the bunny slope, that might not happen and that, you see, was an epic disaster.

Morrigan and Iona were trying to calm her down, but that wasn't working because apparently Elissa had been asked to walk in the show. This was the first I'd heard about it, but since my parents hadn't bothered to supply me with a sodding qiana shirt so that I might have a chance with girls, I wasn't too surprised that they hadn't told me about this, either.

"Alistair is your friend!" she screeched. "Tell him to still have the show! I want him to see I'm not too young to be out there!"

"Huh?"

"The other day, at the contest where Lily won, he told me I was too young to be out there. Well, I'm not too young and he knows it!"

"Mom would kill us both if you were in a wet T shirt contest!"

Elissa pouted. That always worked on Dad, but it wasn't going to work on me. Not this time, anyway.

"Be reasonable," said Morrigan. "You don't want to be exploited by men solely for your body, do you?"

"Why not?" Elissa whimpered. "All you do is walk around with your boobs hanging out!"

"Because I choose too," said Morrigan, "not because the patriarchy wishes to enforce gender stereotypical norms on me. Do you understand that?"

"No."

That was OK, because I really didn't understand it, either.

Someone was at the door. Anders went and got it.

"Alistair!" shrieked Elissa. "Please let us have the show! We can do it!"

"Well, actually, that's why I'm here." Alistair smiled, nervous. "Fergus, I need your help."

"What's up?"

"Well, we think Anora broke her leg. She'll be at the hospital for quite a while, and that means Zevran and I have to handle things on this end for her. I need a model wrangler, someone who can get the models from makeup to wardrobe and then out to the catwalk. Anora was planning on getting it set up, and then announcing the show. But since she'll be on crutches and probably on pain killers, it would be best for her to simply watch while someone else takes charge."

A night hanging around models? Oh, sweet Maker, _yes_! Forget qiana shirts! "What time do you need me?"

"Around four. Elissa, make sure you wash your hair and for Andraste's sake eat something. We don't need you fainting on us." He sighed. "I just hope to get through this without anyone losing their pants."

Models. Losing clothes. Oh, sweet, sweet Andraste, please, _please_ let this happen. Please. One night of pure bliss with models. This—this is going to be _epic_.


	5. Project Runway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fashion Show! Will Fergus get to wrangle models? Will the show go smoothly? Will Zevran wrangle Cailan?

We got downstairs a little before four, because I wanted to make sure I was on time and—oh, sod it. I wanted to meet the models. Alistair and Zevran were there, opening the big doors to the room just as we arrived. Elissa was thrilled to be early enough to hang around Alistair. Fine with me. Where were the models?

"Relax, Cousland," said Zevran. "By the time the night is through, you will no longer want models."

Right. Like _he'd_ know.

We went behind the curtains to make sure the make-up and hair stations were ready. Zevran checked everything, which was good because neither Alistair nor I had the slightest idea of what we were doing. We moved some rolling racks of clothes into place just in time for catering to set up a water and snack station.

And we waited. And waited. And waited some more.

Eventually a couple of men and some plain women in ratty shirts wandered in. They were the hair and make-up people, although one of the women said she could help with wardrobe. While the man started breaking out all sorts of cans and brushes, the women took things and laid them out. To me it looked like they knew what they were doing, but Zevran didn't seem too happy with them. I don't understand why—how hard can it be to brush hair?

A few minutes later the room's phone rang. Elissa got it and called Zevran over. He started swearing and yelling before slamming the phone down.

"The bus is trapped in the snow!"

"What bus?" No one told me about a bus.

"The models! Anora hired some from Orlais, and they are stuck in the snow. Now we are screwed with no models!"

"No models?" Damn you, Maker! Don't I get a single sodding break?

"What about Teagan's girls?" asked Alistair. "And Teagan. I'm sure he'll do it."

"Maybe if you run a line of blow down the runway for him to follow."

"We will need to look at many girls," said Zevran. "And men. We will need men, too. Your brother, Cailan, he will still walk, no?"

"I guess so," said Alistair. "Elissa? Do you know anyone who might be good?"

"There's Iona and Morrigan. They're here with us."

"Iona, yes," said Zevran. "Morrigan, too—but not Lily. She is too _prominent_ to be a good model." He held his hands a foot from his chest. "She will not fit so well."

"OK. I'll go ask them."

"Wait! Cousland, see if your teammates will come. We need men, too. And Alistair, get Teagan and his ladies. They will be useful."

 

 

 

It was no problem getting Nate to come—all I did was ask if he wanted to be with models. We found Perth at the hot dog cart and got him to come, chili dogs and all. Anders and his cat were by the bar, so they got drafted too. We couldn't need too many guys, so I figured we might as well go check in. Elissa showed up with Morrigan, Iona, Gilmore and Cullen. Cullen still looked half-asleep.

Once backstage Nate pulled me over. "I thought you said _ models_, Fergus. These are just _girls_!"

"Shut it, Howe," said Morrigan. "We're recruits, too."

Teagan and his girls hung around the make-up. Zevran saw me and called me over.

"OK, Cousland, you need to make certain everyone is where they need to be. Take this, write down names, look, and bring it to me." He shoved a clipboard in my hand and left.

I looked around. Make-up and hair were full, so I figured I'd get everyone's name while I could. I knew the guys. Teagan's models were Bambi, Brandi, Bunni—she got mad when I used a 'y'—Bindi, Britni, Billi and Shar. Shar was a little older than the others and offered to help Zevran with wardrobe.

Cailan wandered in with Leliana and a couple of Anora's other friends. They were going to have to give Anora some sleeping pills, so it was time to leave. Cailan was supposed to be the groom in the wedding group with Anora, but I guess she wouldn't calm down until he promised her he'd wear something else. That meant I had to find people who were roughly the same sizes. Elissa is skinny enough, so she'd be the bride. Of the guys there I finally decided that Alistair was big enough to be the groom. I wrote that all down and gave it to Zevran.

"Good work, Cousland. Now we have to find something for the Prince, yes?" He looked at the racks of clothes and smiled. "I think I know what to do. Have him come to me."

I didn't see anything gold on the racks, but whatever.

Whatever you've heard about it being great to be backstage at a fashion show, they lied to you. The girls didn't want to go from hair to wardrobe or back to make-up because they were petting Anders' cat; or they were playing with Leliana's nug; or they were talking; or they were watching the make-up guy painting tattoos on Cailan. Everyone liked everyone else's hair better. They didn't want to wait where they were supposed to because they wanted to talk with friends. Or they wanted to look at all the different shoes. Leliana was knee-deep in shoes. Maker's breath, she even had Morrigan trying on sandals. Bindi had Britny's purse and wouldn't give it back. Brandi wanted Bambi's shoes. Or did Bambi want Bindi's dress? Brimbi? Bandri? Sweet Andraste, I couldn't tell anymore.

"Five minutes!" said Zevran. "I warned you, Cousland. Girls are difficult and confusing, yes? Boys are much easier to handle!" He smiled. "Oh look! It is time to help Cailan into his leather. This will need my touch, I think."

I tried to get people in line. I really did. Everyone was more or less right—Teagan would come out after all his girls, in a long-sleeved shirt and tie that was supposed to be 'business casual'. He looked like he ran a business, all right. Leliana had a little dress, with a matching scarf tied on her nug, and these super high satin heels. Nate and Morrigan were a matched couple of tennis types, I guess, because Morrigan had a racquet that I suspected Nate was going to end up wearing before the show was over. Anders and his cat had matching ties, Iona had a filmy little dress, Cullen had a suit he managed to make look nerdy, and Gilmore was in brown, which was good because then he didn't look like either a leprechaun or a flaming carrot.

Since they were supposed to come back, change, and get back out there, they were going out first. That left the more complicated outfits. Perth was in a plain suit, so he wasn't a problem. Elissa had on her wedding gown. It was kind of funny seeing her in a mountain of lace, with fake birds stuck in her bouquet. The hair people were still working on her, though, so I went to check on Alistair and Cailan.

Alistair looked pretty sharp in the black and gold long-tailed coat. Most of the girls thought so, too, because they kept looking at him, whispering and giggling. He and Perth were snickering about something going on over by the dressing area, and since it was my sworn duty to check this out, I went over there. Maybe some poor girl needed help with a dress. A man can dream, right?

Someone needed help getting dressed, all right. Cailan.

Zevran wanted him to wear this black leather vest with studded skulls all over it, and some matching pants. And that was it. Problem was, they were made for somebody like me, not someone as insanely built as Cailan.

They'd cut the vest up a little so he could get it onto his shoulders, but there was no way it was closing. The make-up guy was finishing painting the Ferelden crest on his chest, so that didn't really matter. Not getting the pants closed was going to matter, though. Maybe not to the girls, papps and Zevran, but it would to everyone else.

Zevran came over with this Bedazzler thing and offered to stick little jewels all across Cailan's, um, _ front_, but Cailan told him that if he wanted to put jewels on someone's exposed skin he could start with his own face. Zevran ran to one of the mirrors and started sticking them on his tattoos.

One of the wardrobe ladies came over with a sparkly purple top. She folded it into a triangle and tied it into Cailan's pants so he looked like he had a codpiece. I thought she was kind of taking her time about tying it in, but she kept saying she didn't want it 'falling out'. I didn't really want to be there, so I decided to check on the line-up.

Zevran pranced past me and out onto the stage. Even back here I could see a zillion flashes go off, and the big TV lights come on. Maker's breath, had Anora invited the entire sodding media to this? Well, yes, she had, at least according to Cailan. He was over with Alistair and Elissa, telling Alistair to help her deal with the papps and TV cameras. We rarely see anything like this at Highever, so I was grateful that he was giving her some pointers on how to react. The last thing I needed was to have her fall off the runway and break her neck.

One of the wardrobe ladies nodded, the techno music started, and the first of the girls started out. They went pretty smoothly, one leading off, then the next, and so on. As soon as Teagan's girls got back, they went right over to wardrobe, whipped off their clothes, squirmed into their new dresses, and got right back in line.

They whipped off their clothes.

And none of them wore bras.

Alistair was blushing and staring, too. "I _ am_ seeing this, right? I am awake and seeing this?"

"I---" Oh, _Maker_. What could I say? Nothing. Nothing I could possibly say would encompass the sheer fabulous magnificence of what we were seeing.

"Glorious," whispered Cailan.

They saw us—or rather, they saw him. They suddenly—and by the Maker, this was the most amazing thing—they _slowed down._ They were—they were showing off.

"Girls!" shouted Zevran. "You can accost the princes later. Get ready. Cousland! Why aren't you getting them in line?"

"Huh? Line, yeah, line."

The rest of the show went in a blur. When Cailan went out the place exploded in flashes, so bright it was even intense backstage. It was just as bad for Elissa and Alistair. I hoped she'd be OK. From the sounds out there it sounded like she was.

They all filed back out, and once again the crowd went insane. By the time they got back, Elissa was clinging to Alistair's arm. Alistair was smiling and holding her up. From the sounds of it the lights really blinded her. I was glad Cailan had warned her, but judging by him and Alistair even they were dazed by it all.

I wanted to see if any of the girls needed help, but Zevran kept finding other things for me to do, like get people water or make sure no one got back there who didn't belong. Or get somebody's street clothes, or make sure one of the girls gave her wig back, or check to see that everything was hung back up, or see that the shoes stayed instead of wandering off. Maker's breath, who knew there was so much to changing clothes at a fashion show?

By the time I finished it was just Zevran and me, putting the last of the bottled waters away. "Not so bad, was it, Cousland?"

I thought. "No." And in a few years I'll be able to tell my grandsons about the Greatest Night of My Life:_ There I was, surrounded by naked models._


	6. AT Phone Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after the fashion show, the phones are very, very busy.

AT--Phone Home

Anders opened the door to my room. "Your Mom is on the phone. She sounds excited."

I rolled out of bed. What time was it—eight? Sweet Andraste, what was up? Did Dad fall off the roof again or something?

"I saw your sister on television!" she said. "Why didn't you tell me she and Prince Alistair are an item? Do you know what this means for us?"

"Huh??" What in the name of Andraste—

"Television! _Ferelden Tonight!_ In a wedding dress!!"

"Mom, that was a fashion show—"

"In a custom dress made just for her? Where is she? I want to talk to her!"

Maker. Elissa would have to handle this herself. I wandered over to the room she shared with Morrigan, who was giggling about something. I didn't bother to knock.

"Maker's breath!" Morrigan shrieked, yanking the sheets up to cover herself. And Nate.

Nate.

She had spent the night with Nate.

"Who's yelling?" asked Mom.

"I—"

"Elissa is in the other room!" said Morrigan. "Knock next time!"

"Is that a girl?" I could hear Mom while holding the phone a foot away. "What's going on, Fergus?"

I stumbled out. There was Elissa, asleep on the couch in front of the TV. I shook her awake. "Mom wants to talk to you."

Staggering back to the kitchen, I saw that Gilmore and Cullen had brought up a pile of food. I picked up some bacon and sat down.

"Brutally unfair of her, I think," said Anders, breaking off some sausage for his cat. "Your mother shouldn't call you like that."

"Yeah." It was unfair of her, all right, except I wasn't thinking of Mom. I was thinking of Morrigan. Sweet Andraste's tits, will I never get any action?

"I won!" Iona ran into the kitchen. "I just got a call from Teagan! I'm the team captain for _Ferelden Family Feud_! And my team is Morrigan, Leliana, Dagna and Elissa. If we win we all get new cars!!!"

"What?" I asked. "Does Elissa know?"

"Huh? I guess I'll tell her when she gets off the phone. I'll go tell Morrigan now!" And she skipped off.

"Yes," said Anders. "It seems I made the team, too, when no one could find Sten. I'll be with Perth, Jory and Oghren. And the scintillating intellectual Tommy Howe is our captain."

"How—"

Morrigan's screech filled the suite.

"Yes, Tommy Howe, pharmaceutical entrepreneur. Ironic, isn't it, that neither of our illustrious princes won the honor. Nevertheless, I shall manfully do my duty and attempt to keep the ship from sinking."

"It'll be fun," said Cullen. "I get to run the buzzer and the answer board. Teagan is the emcee. You're coming, right?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Good," said Anders. "Don't be late." He picked up his cat.

"Turn on the TV!" shrieked Elissa. "Mom says I'm on TV!"

Cullen gallantly clicked the remote.

There's Elissa &amp; Alistair, arm in arm, strutting down the runway while the cameras are going nuts. They're both smiling, people are clapping and shouting. "…And in other news, is one of Ferelden's Most Eligible bachelors going off the market? Prince Alistair took the runway by storm last night, with Lady Elissa Cousland in a set of wedding clothes made especially for them by Lady Anora Mac Tir. When asked if a date had been set, a spokesman for King Maric said only 'No comment' ". The blonde anchorwoman smiled. "And now for the weather. .."

Cullen clicked it off.

"Maker's balls," said Anders.

Nate staggered into the kitchen in his pants. "What's all the yelling?"

Anders smiled. "It seems that the ever-accurate news media has taken last night's extravaganza as proof that Alistair and our own Elissa are a couple. It's on the TV, and I will hazard a guess and say that the radio and papers are also reporting it. "

"I'm not ready for this." Nate picked up some danishes and headed off.

"Nate." I stopped him. I didn't want to yell across the room. "You and Morrigan?"

He smiled. "Oh, _yeah_." And sauntered back to the room.

Maker.

Someone was at the door. Gilmore answered it.

"Alistair!" screeched Elissa.

"_Prince Alistair is there?!_" I could hear Mom from across the room.

"Hello!" Alistair smiled at everyone. "Who's on the phone? Teyrna Cousland?"

I nodded. He took the phone from Elissa. "Teyrna Cousland! How are you this morning?"

"_Prince Alistair!?!_"

He held the phone out at arms' length while she shouted. "That's right, Teyrna. You should have been here last night and seen how lovely Elissa was. I'll give you back to her now."

Elissa looked at the phone like it was the most precious thing in the world.

"Fergus," said Alistair, "we need your help."

"You need my help?"

"My father and Loghain have been on the phone since sunrise."

"What do you need me to do?"

"Well, for starters, try to get Loghain to understand that I did not steal Anora's wedding dress."

"What?"

"My father believes me, but you know Loghain." He sighed. "The man is a regular bowl of unicorns, you know? Anyway, I said I'd get the man in charge to tell him what went on."

"But why would he believe me? He'll just think I'll say whatever you want me to."

"Well, since Anora handed everything off to Zevran, and Zevran said you decided who wore what, he'll believe you. I'm sorry to have to do this to you, but we don't know what else to do. Loghain's just butterflies and buttercups anyway, and this sort of thing always has him at his best. Is there somewhere quiet?"

I took him down to my room. He put the open cell on the table, hit 'Speaker' and a couple of buttons.

"What now, Alistair," growled Loghain.

"Loghain!" Alistair sounded happy—happier than I was, certainly. "I've got Fergus Cousland here, and he—"

"Cousland?"

"That's right, Fergus Cousland. He was in charge of wardrobe last night and—"

"Why is Cousland involved?"

"Anora was in the hospital, and he volunteered to help." Alistair gritted his teeth.

"_Did Cousland have anything to do with her falling_?"

"No."

I couldn't take this anymore. "Teryn Loghain?"

"Who is this? _Cousland_?"

Maker, the man sounded like he was going to hit me through the phone. "Yes. Listen. Anora didn't want Cailan to wear the wedding clothes with anyone else, and since the Orlesians weren't here—"

"_ORLESIANS? WHAT ORLESIANS_?"

We jumped back. I expected bits of phone to go flying across the room. "The models Anora hired," I said.

"_She would never do that to me!_"

That made no sense at all, but I wasn't going to push it. "When they didn't show up we had to get anyone we could to model and my sister and Alistair were the only ones who fit the wedding clothes so that's why I sent them out." I caught my breath.

"That's what this is about?"

"Yes," we said.

"_MAKER!_" The phone went dead.

Alistair picked it up. "Thank you, I hope."

"Is he always like that?" I stared at the phone.

"With me? No, he usually saves that for Cailan. Usually he doesn't even acknowledge my existence, which does not break my heart. Like I told you, he's always rainbows and lollypops. Anyway, I'd better get back and see how Cailan is doing. They've had him on the phone for hours."

"Loghain?"

"And father. Not that he pays any attention to them, you understand. He just puts the phone down and grunts at it while playing video games. It's a better way of dealing with them, I must admit." He stopped at the door. "By the way. You and your sister, in our room. Tonight. After the evening festivities have died off, all right?"

Elissa would kill me if I said no. "Sure."

Alistair smiled and left.


	7. Ferelden Family Feud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just how much trouble can Fergus, Anders, Tommy, Alistair, Teagan and Dagna get into over a friendly game of Family Feud?

Anders and I took Elissa, Morrigan &amp; Iona down to "Family Feud". Elissa and Iona were pumped, Anders and his cat were laid back, but Morrigan acted like she was going to her execution or something. She kept muttering about "getting this over with." I wanted to ask her why she bothered to sign up if she didn't want to play, but one look at her and I knew she'd fry me. So I left them at the door and went to find a seat.

Nate had saved a seat for me in the third row, above and a little to the right of Alistair and Cailan. I could watch them but not hear them, which was probably a good thing. There was no sign of Anora or her merry men. Nate said he'd heard she was still in the hospital and not too happy that people were here instead of sitting with her. By 'people' I guess she meant Cailan, though I'm not sure why she needed him there—it isn't like they can have a deep conversation or anything.

The stage looked like they'd borrowed an old set from the TV show, not the new one but not the oldest, either. Cullen was sitting with a big control panel in front of him, pushing knobs and buttons. That would keep him busy for hours.

The theme music started playing and the players took their places. Teagan sauntered out. He had on a burgundy and teal striped jacket with a black sparkly bowtie, and the tight black disco pants that were somehow still intact. I think he was supposed to tell some jokes or something, but instead he went over to the girls.

"Hey, girls," he said, leaning on the set and smiling.

From here I could tell he'd been drinking, and not a little, either. I could see Alistair and Cailan looking at each other. I think they were wondering if they should leave Teagan alone or pull the plug now.

"So what's your team called, Honey?"

"We're the Nugettes!" giggled Iona.

Alistair kind of winced.

"O.K." Teagan looked pained. "So, tell me about yourself, Iona. Your major, room number, things like that."

"I'm majoring in Literature," she blushed.

"That's nice." Teagan moved to Elissa. "Hi, sweety! Didn't I see you in the fashion show?"

"Yes."

"Our bride to be!"

Alistair looked flustered.

Next up was Morrigan. Teagan stopped, stared, and started talking to her boobs. "HELLO!"

"My eyes are up here," said Morrigan. "I suggest you remember that."

He backed up a little. "Yes, and what a lovely pair you have!"

Nate snickered, "He'd better watch it if he wants to keep his balls."

Teagan strolled over to Leliana. "It's our celebrity! Can I see your . . . nug?"

"She's asleep," said Leliana.

"Too bad. I'll bet she's fun in bed!" Finally, he stopped at Dagna, this curvy little dwarf exchange student from Orzammar. "So, you're new here, aren't you?"

"I've been staying with a lot of the mage students."

"Keeping them focused, I'm sure."

Dagna looked baffled, like she didn't know if she should be pleased or insulted. I could see Cailan and Alistair glance at each other. Teagan must have seen them, too, because he straightened up and wandered over to the guys.

"Hey guys, what's your team called?"

"TEAM DOOM!" yelled Tommy. He was so wasted he had all he could do to stand. If he hadn't had the set to lean on, he'd have been on the floor.

"Tommy, my man!" Teagan grinned. "Tell me about your friends."

"O.K. Well, right here is Perth, then Jory, then Anders, and the dwarf at the end is Ohgren."

"And the man with the pussy is? Anders? You always bring your own pussy with you?"

I expected Anders to fry him. Instead, he said, "I'd rather bring one than be one."

"Oh! Ow!" Teagan backed up a little. "I'll keep that in mind. I think we need to start the game."

First up were Iona and Tommy. Teagan looked at his card. "O.K. We surveyed one hundred people and their top seven answers are on the board. Name a flavor of ice cream."

Tommy hit the button first. "Chocolate!"

Ding. Chocolate was number one. "Play or Pass, guys?" asked Teagan.

"Play!" screamed Tommy.

Now you've seen "Family Feud". You know how it's played. And you know damn right well there was no way that Team Doom was going to get all of them right. The Nugettes knew that too and were already planning on stealing the points.

"Alright, Perth," said Teagan, "name a flavor of ice cream."

"Vanilla," said Perth.

Ding. It was number two.

"Jory, name a flavor of ice cream."

"Um, Beer."

Bzzz! One strike.

"Anders?"

"Pistachio."

Ding. It was number five.

"O.K., Ohgren, name me a flavor of ice cream."

"Caramel Deep Mushroom."

Teagan gave him a funny look, somewhere between grossed out and lost. "Is that what they have in Orzammar? Wow."

Bzzz! Strike two.

"O.K. Tommy, can you give me a flavor of ice cream that is likely to be on the board?"

"Um, Um… Milk Duds!"

Bzzz! Strike three.

Shaking his head, Teagan went over to the Nugettes. "Alright ladies, you can steal all the points. Name a flavor of ice cream."

All the girls started yelling at once. Finally, Iona said, "Chocolate Chip."

Teagan nodded. "Show me Chocolate Chip!"

Ding. Number four. The girls screamed and jumped when the points went to their side.

That was pretty much how the game went. The guys had picked the right name. Their team was pretty much doomed. They did get some points on a steal for naming a cartoon character. They might have gotten more if Tommy hadn't been so wasted. Any time they got a chance to steal he said something stupid. Usually it was even stupider than Milk Duds. By the time they got to the triple points round, it was pretty clear the Nugettes were going to win.

"This is our final round," said Teagan. "We surveyed one hundred ladies. Top three answers are on the board. Name something hot."

Ding. Iona buzzed first. "Cailan!"

Teagan looked at her like she was crazy. "O.K. Show me Cailan!"

Ding. Number one. Seventy sodding points.

Teagan seemed kind of shocked. Whatever he was expecting, it wasn't that. He finally went over to Elissa. "Alright, name me something hot."

"Alistair!"

Ding. Twenty five points.

I could see Alistair blushing. Cailan gave him a little hug.

"Poor bastard," whispered Nate.

Teagan went to Morrigan.

"Hot chocolate," she said before he even asked the question.

Bzzz! Strike one.

"Miss Leliana? Name something hot."

"Ah, coffee?"

Bzzz! Strike two.

Now it was Dagna's turn. She smiled at Teagan, like she knew she had the perfect answer. "Lava."

Bzzz! Strike three.

Maker's breath! There was a chance, a real chance, that the guys could win this. All they had to do was come up with something five presumably normal women would say.

The guys started yelling answers at each other. Over all of them I heard Anders shout, "Would you people stop eating crayons!"

Teagan looked at Tommy. I think he really needed a drink about then. "If you can steal this, you guys will win the game. Name something hot."

I saw Anders move his hand. His cat started switching its tail a little. I realized, right then, that no matter what Tommy planned on saying, what was going to come out of his mouth was what Anders wanted.

"Hot . . . Tub." Tommy looked confused, like he'd planned on saying "hooters" or something.

Ding.

They had won the game! I couldn't believe it, the girls couldn't believe it, the audience couldn't believe it. Team Doom had won the game. Teagan went from standing there with his mouth open to grinning. Maybe he thought it was a victory for stoners everywhere, I don't know. He ushered the girls offstage, telling them there were some nice gifts for them in back before going over to the guys.

"Well, Tommy," he began, "I don't know how you did that, but you won."

"Where's the cars?" asked Tommy.

"The cars! Yes, the cars. You have to win the bonus round to win cars."

"Then let's do the sodding bonus round!"

Cullen played some ad for Frostback Ford, who had provided the cars. I guessed that meant Cailan and Alistair went and bought them, but what did I know? Maybe they really did give away cars. All I knew was that Elissa wasn't getting one, and that I'd get to hear about it for the next few days.

"All right, Tommy," said Teagan once the commercial stopped. "Who's going to play the bonus round?"

"Umm…me and…"

The cat flicked its tail.

"Perth." Tommy was surprised he'd said Perth, but just shook his head.

"OK." Teagan pulled Tommy over while Perth went backstage.

I think I understood Anders' strategy. He could control what Tommy said, and pretty much guarantee the win. If Tommy's answers weren't good enough, he could work on Perth. He didn't want to be out there himself because he couldn't manipulate them. Jory or Ohgren would have worked, too, I suppose, but maybe he didn't want this to become too obvious. As it was I wondered if anyone else had figured out what was up.

I saw Alistair and Cailan whispering. Maybe they'd seen it, too, and were discussing whether or not to stop the game or let it go.

Teagan gave Tommy a big smile. "OK, Tommy. All you have to do is give me five answers. You get a point for everyone who said what you say. You need two hundred points to win this. You understand?"

"Umm…yeah, sure, dude."

"Ok. An animal with three letters in its name."

"Halla!"

Cailan and Alistair lost it. Right then I knew they weren't going to stop it because they wanted to see just how much of a trainwreck Tommy was going to make. So far it looked like it was going to be a big, juicy one.

Teagan managed to stop laughing long enough to ask the next question. I could see the cat's tail swishing around.

"Name a color."

"Um… Pe...Red."

"A soft drink."

"Coke!" shouted Tommy.

"A type of cookie."

"Sev--Chocolate chip."

"A comic book."

"ZI--Batman!"

"OK." Teagan looked relieved that the round was over. "Let's tally your points and see how you did."

Obviously no one else said Halla for the first one, but the rest were reasonable. They were reasonable enough that they'd racked up 145 points.

Oghren ran right up to Tommy. "Halla? What were ya thinking, ya sodding cloudhead? I'd a said NUG!"

"Whatever, dude," said Tommy as he staggered to the set.

Anders' cat started washing. I wondered if that meant it was leaving Tommy alone and getting ready for Perth, or if it didn't mean anything and I was just getting nervous. Maker's breath, I was turning into a Templar, watching Anders, waiting for him to turn into an abomination or something.

"I need to go check on Elissa," I said to Nate and left.

I found her backstage, with the other Nugettes. They'd each gotten a bottle of some Orlesian perfume, a big crate of packaged noodles, and a gold Sea Doo. Elissa was excited about the Sea Doo because she'd wanted one ever since she rode one in Amaranthine. Mom never let us have them, though, because she was afraid we'd drown or get attacked by sharks or something. Now she'd have to let Elissa ride it.

"It's not a car, but it's not bad," said Iona, stroking hers.

Maker's breath. How was I going to get all these people and all these Sea Doos into the van to get home?

Morrigan kind of smirked at me. "Don't worry, Cousland. They can be delivered."

"Good." I wondered what Dagna was going to do with hers in Orzammar. Maybe she'd use it on Lake Calenhad. No, she couldn't do that. With all the magical junk that's in the lake, the thing'd probably grow legs or something. I guessed she'd have to sell it. Maybe I could talk to her about buying it. So Elissa wouldn't get lost out there, and…oh, sod it. I wanted one, now, too.

"Umm, Dagna?"

She looked up at me. "Yes?"

"Uhhh…about the Sea Doo?"

Just then the bell went crazy. The audience started screaming and cheering. Five little gold Fords went out onto the stage, with Teagan's girls driving. I could hear Ohgren bellowing about the car, and Jory screaming like an idiot.

"Maker's breath," said Morrigan. "Can Tommy Howe even drive?"

"You were saying?" asked Dagna.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. About your, um, Sea Doo. You wouldn't be interested in maybe selling it, would you?"

"Selling it?" She looked at it. "Why? Do you want to buy it?"

"What are you doing?" asked Elissa.

"He wants to know if I'll sell him my Sea Doo," said Dagna.

"You want to buy it?" asked Elissa. "What are you going to do, use Mom's credit card?"

"You're going to use your mother's credit card?" asked Morrigan. "Pathetic."

"What?" I tried to stop Elissa.

"Mom'll kill you!" she yelled.

"I never said I was going to use it to buy the Sea Doo!"

"Who's buying a Sea Doo?" asked Alistair. I hadn't even seen him come backstage.

"My brother," said Elissa.

"He wants to use his mother's credit card," added Morrigan, snickering.

"Really?" Alistair gave me a funny look. "My mother would have killed me if I'd tried that."

"Mom's gonna kill him, too," said Elissa.

"I never said I was using anyone's credit card!"

"Why ask me to sell, anyway?" asked Dagna.

"Well, I didn't think there was anywhere you could use it."

"I'm at the Mage Circle! I can use it on Lake Calenhad."

"But won't it get attacked by the magic in the lake? And you can't use it on lava in Orzammar."

"Aren't you an ignorant tool!" She glared at me. I felt about a foot tall. "For one thing, we do have lakes and rivers underground, thank you very much, and for another, there's nothing in the lake that's going to attack a boat."

"I—"

"You just asked me because I'm a dwarf! You didn't bother Morrigan or Leliana!"

"But—" Things were really going downhill.

"And what kind of girl do you think I am that I take credit cards?"

"I never said—"

"You don't have your own credit card?" asked Alistair. "Not that you take credit cards, or anything, Dagna, I mean. Even we have our own accounts."

"Dagna, look," I said, before she hit me or worse. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to upset you. I just thought that maybe you wouldn't have a use for it, and would want to sell it. I didn't think you could use it at the lake."

She glared at me. "Well, I will."

"Don't ask me to sell mine," said Morrigan. "Where I come from there's a great deal of water. My mother will probably wear it out."

"You're just jealous 'cause you didn't get one," said Elissa.

"Fergus," began Alistair, "if we'd known you wanted one that badly, we'd have ordered one for you. They are a lot of fun, you know."

"I—OK, I don't even want one of the sodding things anymore!" Maker, this was way too complicated.

"Good," said Elissa, "cause you're not using mine."

From behind us I heard a squealing, then THUNKESH. Alistair grabbed Elissa, pulling her one side as one wall of the set fell towards us. The painted plywood snapped and sagged over the Sea Doos. Tommy leaned out the window of his new, now slightly scratched, car.

"Whoa, dudes," he said. "Sorry."

"Sorry?" Alistair sounded like he was ready to explode. "Get out of that before you kill someone!"

"Chillax, dude," said Tommy. Before he could go anywhere, some men came up and opened the car door for him. I guessed they were some guards, here to keep things quiet. "OK, OK, I'm coming. Maker." They led Tommy away.

"Are you all right?" Alistair let go of Elissa. "I knew we'd have problems when Team Doom won. But I was hoping we could at least get off the stage before anything happened."

"I'm fine." Elissa stared up at him like she was seeing Andraste herself. "Thank you."

He blushed. "I didn't want you getting crushed. That wouldn't make me a very good host, now, would it? Did you get all the forms filled out so everything can be sent home?"

"Not yet."

"Let's go do that before Tommy crashes into something else, shall we?" They walked off together.

I looked at the remains of the set. Some of the men were picking up the broken parts, gathering them up so it could be hauled off. Out on the stage I saw Jory, Oghren, Perth and Anders, all clustered around their cars. Anders' cat rolled around on the hood of his car, swishing its tail, looking satisfied.

Maker's breath—could it be that the _cat_ wanted the car more than Anders?

I didn't know, and I wasn't sure I wanted to ask.


	8. Bad Romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's formal Skate Dance Night! Will Fergus actually dress to impress? Can Dagna skate? And just why is Alistair holding Cailan's sword?

**"Skate Dance At The Rink Tonight! Dress To Impress!"**

Cullen was all excited about the dance; considering what happened to him after Disco Night I couldn't blame him. It snows so much in Ferelden that you learn to skate early, with the girls learning fancy dances while the guys play hockey or race. Sure, we learn to do a little dancing, so we can do something with girls on the ice. Elissa was pumped because of Alistair, and because she could race and play hockey as well as dance.

After what happened at _Family Feud _ I was worried about Anders and his cat. I didn't want to have to go all Templar on his ass. But when I didn't see any slime trails, horns, or smoke I figured he was probably safe. And Anders was safe, too.

But I didn't have anything even remotely formal to wear. I had a long-sleeved shirt, and that was it. Morrigan saw me inspecting it.

"Why not go down to the formalwear place and rent something? You don't want a repeat of the Ozzy shirt, do you?"  
She was right. I didn't _have_ to look like an idiot. I went downstairs, and after a few minutes I had a black longcoat and pants with silver trim. It wasn't as fancy or sharp as the one Alistair had worn, but at least I wouldn't bring shame onto the family. I got back to the room just in time to get my skates.

Cullen had on his Templar uniform, Elissa, Morrigan and Iona had on fancy dresses, Gilmore had one of the Cousland uniforms, and Anders was in formal mage robes. His cat had on a tie. We carried our skates to the elevator and headed down.

Just about everyone streamed into the rink. Most of the girls had dresses, some of which were both revealing and sparkly. I saw Perth in the Redcliff uniform, and Nate in the Amaranthine colors. Daveth, Jory and some of the other football players had on burgundy formals that they'd obviously rented. At least I didn't look quite as much like drunk waiters as they did.

The dwarves really fascinated me. They all had on either school jackets and ties or school gowns. I remembered hearing that they wore armor on formal occasions, and while that looks good on a solid stone floor it wasn't going to be practical on ice. Not that I expected they'd do much skating, but you never know.

The Elves had on these elaborate leather, feather and cloth outfits. Some had really intricate jewelry, and most had gold or silver belts. Those belts had a wide band, engraved or inset with stones, with chains and jewels hanging from them. I think that they're some kind of status thing, but I'm not sure exactly what they mean. Considering how touchy some Elves get when you ask about their culture, I figured it would be best to ask Zevran when I saw him next.

"Fergus!" Alistair came over to us. "And Elissa, too. You look lovely." He kissed her hand.

Elissa almost melted on the spot.

"Am I glad to see you," he said. "I'm going to need someone sane to talk to this evening. It's going to be lollipops and roses here."

"Why? Loghain's here?" Maker, I wanted to get out of there.

"No! No, and let's all hope it stays that way. No, Anora is here, and already she's managed to put a damper on things. I love seeing people who are truly happy together, don't you?"

"So what do you want me to do?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just help to keep her from freezing this whole place into a block of ice." He stopped and looked at me. "Sweet Andraste! Why aren't you wearing your uniform?"

"I didn't bring it."

"Father insisted we bring ours."

He had on the royal Ferelden dress black and gold, with rows of medals and ribbons and a short purple cape. Maker, he even had a sword hanging from a sash.

"Well," he said, "at least you won't be accused of playing politics dressed like this. Didn't you get the schedule of events? I know we sent them out to everyone."

Maker. "You might as well know the truth. I didn't even plan on being here until Elissa wanted to come. I thought I'd be playing hockey or skiing. No one told me about the dances and parties."

"You mean—" he gave me a long look—"you mean you _ didn't_ wear the Ozzy shirt to be rebellious? We thought you were making a statement!"

"No," I said. "I don't even think my Dad has a disco shirt."

"Oh! Well. Tonight, at least, you'll fit in. Come on. We can get some dancing in before they have one of the shows."

"Shows?"

"Yes, we have a few little shows to break up the monotony of the dance floor. Come on, Elissa. Let me take you out."

We followed him onto the ice. There were already quite a few people skating, so we had to wait a minute to get a clear slot. I spotted Cailan, sitting on the wall, talking to Anora.

"That's been going on for a while," said Alistair. "He's been trying to talk her into sitting on his shoulders while they skate around. She won't."

"Why not?" asked Elissa. "It's not like he's going to drop her."

"I know that," he said. "And you know that, and Anora knows it, too. But she's not going to let a little thing like facts get in the way of throwing a good snit."

"So she can't stand seeing anyone else have a good time?" Elissa made a nasty face. "Or is it if she isn't having fun, no one else will, huh?"

"Bingo," said Alistair. "And since they really don't enjoy the same things, well, it's just one happy party after another. Listen! They're playing a gavotte. Come on." And they skated off.

I looked for someone to skate with. Just about everyone was taken or in a group. I spotted Cullen, Gilmore and Anders together and skated over to join them. So long as the music was court dances I figured there was no danger of anything happening to Elissa, whether or not she was with Alistair. I could relax a bit.

Nate and Morrigan were over by the far wall. She had on a creamy, flowy dress with little sparkles all over it. Nate alternated between holding her hand and letting her step off into some fancy spins. Maker's breath, from the way he watched her you'd think he'd caught himself a wild fairy or something.

I caught up with the guys just after passing Cailan and Anora. Anders' cat flicked its ears.

"Maker, that woman is ice," said Anders. The cat rubbed on his hair.

"She doesn't look very happy," said Cullen. "Maybe it's her leg."

"Or maybe it's because she doesn't want to be here," said Gilmore. "Perth says all they do is fight."

"If King Maric wanted to reward Loghain, he'd marry her himself and leave Prince Cailan out of it," said Anders. "Either that or concede defeat and just marry Loghain himself."

I couldn't help it. "Can you see Loghain in the wedding dress from last night?"

"What makes you think Loghain would be the one wearing the dress?"

"Watch it, Anders," warned Gilmore.

"All right." Anders blew his cat a kiss.

Just as we came to the turn, a bunch of dwarves shoved Dagna and Oghren onto the ice. For a second Dagna stood still while Oghren flailed around next to her. He stopped long enough to grab her hand. Together they held onto the wall and began inching their way around the rink.

Cullen started over. "She's going to get hurt."

"Let it alone," said Gilmore. "If things get too bad, you can go help."

Slowly, carefully, they worked their way along the wall. Every few feet one or the other would fall, bringing the other one down on top of them. They'd scramble back up and start the whole thing over. Finally they more or less found their skates and picked up speed, Oghren pulling Dagna along faster and faster. They were really moving when they finally crashed—right into Alistair and Elissa.

Alistair was fine—no way Oghren was going to be able to knock him down—but Elissa landed hard. Alistair picked her up just as we got there. She looked OK. Alistair and I hauled Oghren up while Cullen helped Dagna.

"What were you sodding cloudheads doing in my way?" hollered Oghren.

"You're hurt," said Gilmore. He was right—someone's skates had slashed a hole in Oghren's shirt and blood was dripping out.

"What the—" Oghren pulled at his shirt, sending more blood onto the ice.

"You'd better get him to the infirmary," said Alistair. "Upstairs, right off the lobby."

"Right. Let's go." Gilmore took Oghren and forcibly dragged him off the ice.

Dagna clung to Cullen, embarrassed and unsteady. "I'm sorry," she said to Elissa.

"It's OK," she answered. "It was an accident."

"I didn't even want to come out with him," she continued. "The other guys started shoving and pushing and the next thing I know I'm being dragged into you. I'm so sorry."

"Come with me," said Cullen. "I'll take care of you."

"Thank you," she sniffed. "Wait—I know you. You're in Gregoire's class, aren't you?"

Cullen blushed as he led her away. They kept talking once he got her off the ice. I knew, right then, that Cullen was going to be busy all night._ Maker._

The rink lights flashed.

"We're going to have to get off the ice for the show," said Alistair. "We're losing the first one, since Teagan's gone missing. So this will be the second one."

"Teagan's missing?" asked Elissa. "Shouldn't you look for him?"

"I don't think he'll go very far," said Alistair. "His girls are here, there's a bar here and it's snowing pretty hard. He's probably asleep in someone's room."

Cailan glided over, handed Alistair his sword and cape, and skated off. Alistair took them without saying anything. We followed him off the ice. I ended up right next to Anora. She wasn't happy to see me. As soon as everyone cleared the ice the lights shut off. I could just make out something glittery moving to the center.

A spotlight snapped on. In the little circle of light was Zevran, wearing a gold dress made out of sparkles and sequins. It had a wide, frilled skirt that stuck out from his hips like a tutu. He had his hair up and braided back, with little gold leaves woven through it. People started laughing and cheering. Zevran held his pose.

The arena filled with the soaring vocal of "Bad Romance". Zevran began to spin, slowly, as the song built up. He did a couple of fancy little steps, some dancing, and then WHAM Cailan came flying out of the dark to grab him.

For the rest of the song it was like the pairs you see skating at the Olympics or something, except it was two guys, and they weren't quite as elaborate. Cailan did most of the hard work, which meant carrying Zevran around the rink or throwing Zevran so he could spin midair. They did a lot of matching dance steps, jumps and spins. They had to have been practicing this; there's no way they could be doing this on the fly.

They finished with Zevran draped dramatically over Cailan's knee. Once the music was done they took a bow—well, Cailan bowed, Zevran curtsied—and slowly skated off while everyone laughed and cheered.

Everyone but Anora.

Alistair helped Cailan with his sword and cape, making sure everything was hanging properly before letting him go over to Anora. She was so mad she was hissing when she breathed.

"Cailan Therin," she whispered, "how dare you humiliate me like this!"

"Come on, Anora. We were just having fun."

"Fun? Skating around with that knife-eared little slut? How was that fun?"

He half-smiled. "Well, now, what was I supposed to do? They were playing our song." And he glided off, collecting a couple of girls along the way.

I almost collided with Morrigan when I returned to the ice. She was watching Cailan skate away. "Do you know what kind of man a woman likes, Cousland?"

I was almost afraid to ask. "What?"

"A _confident_ heterosexual." Taking Nate's arm, she skated off.

I caught up with Gilmore and Anders, who were still snickering over Zevran and Cailan. I didn't see any harm in repeating what Anora had said, which made Anders giggle like a little kid. He scrunched up his face, doing a pretty good imitation of how she talks. Even Gilmore couldn't ask him to stop.

The rink went dark. No flashing, no warning, just dark. I wondered what they had planned. A few seconds later the little emergency lights came on. I could see some older guy talking to Cailan and Alistair. Gilmore said something about helping out and went over to them.

The storm had gotten worse, so bad it had knocked out power to the village and the lodge. The lodge had generators, but to keep the place running 'nonessential services' needed to be terminated. That meant the rink.

I collected Elissa and headed upstairs. We'd go see whatever it was Alistair and Cailan wanted after we had some dinner. I just hoped Anora wasn't there.


	9. Family Affairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Fergus &amp; Elissa are summoned to the Royal Suite, will it be a night to remember--or another disaster?

12 Family Affairs

We got in just in time to see Morrigan leave, probably for a good time with Nate. Cullen also took off, Dagna in tow. I thought about returning the formal, but figured the store would be closed as ‘non-essential’. I left the jacket and tie on the bed, and just wore the pants and shirt. Gilmore called.

“Do you speak Orlesian?”

“Well, yeah, but I’m supposed to take Elissa up to Alistair.” I looked around the suite. “Does anyone here speak Orlesian?”

“What do you need?” asked Anders.

I gave him the phone. A minute later he gathered his cat and left, humming.

Elissa and I went up to the Royal Suite, which was pretty much the whole top floor of the building. The guard outside the door let us in, while the one inside led us off to a smaller room. It was cozy, lined with bookshelves, stuffed leather furniture, and a big stone fireplace with a welcoming fire.

Cailan came over to us. He and Alistair were dressed the same way I was, which was a relief. I didn’t need this to be any more awkward than it already was. “You’re just in time. We’re having a roast.”

“Where’s Anora?”

“She is still upset over Zevran, so she and her friends are having a bitch fest,” said Cailan. “They’re going to be spending the rest of the evening dissecting my shortcomings in exquisite detail.”

How could he be so—nonchalant? If I thought my girlfriend was that mad at me I’d be trying to calm her down or something.

“If she hates you that much,” said Elissa, “why are you marrying her?”

I wanted to die.

“Well,” he said, “I sometimes wonder that myself. But the correct answer is ‘duty’.”

We followed over to a dining room that was about half the size of our suite. Alistair helped Elissa to her seat, even holding the chair for her. Servants brought us everything, never even letting our glasses get more than half-empty. Elissa was fascinated by the Royal china and crystal.

“It’s a leaded glass, not really a rock crystal,” said Alistair. “There’s some old Tevinter rock crystal pieces in the palace, but those are just for display.”

“We owe a lot more to Tevinter than we’d like to admit,” said Cailan. “Until they brought the secret of making achromatic glass, the best Ferelden could do was a green glass. Now we produce our own. The same is true for the production of porcelain.”

Achrowhat glass?

“Our world is built of history. See the upholstery on the chairs? It’s a heavy cotton, yes, but the weave is a herringbone style used for wool in Andraste’s time. That was developed by weavers everywhere. But the slubby Dupioni shot silk of your dress is unique to Antiva, and they guard that process closely.”

Dupony? Dupinny? Huh?

“The Antivan Crows kill anyone who tries to steal their secrets. Brutal, but effective. And —Maker’s breath, Fergus, are you all right?”

“Huh? Me? What?”

“You look shocked or stunned or something. It’s not the food, is it?”

“Ummm---“ how could I say this without sounding insulting? “I, um, just didn’t, I mean, I never really thought that you—uhh--“

Alistair cracked up. “He thought you were stupid!”

Cailan lost it. “You—you really believed that?”

“I thought—I mean, Anora and everyone and ---I---just— ”Maker, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

“Anora thinks I’m stupid because I don’t like the same things she does. She loves controlling people’s lives, and I don’t. And as far as governing goes, the daily minutiae is for the prime minister. She thinks she wants that, but I think she’s a little too hard to work alone. She’ll end up being too ruthless, and that’s not what makes for good governance. That’s what happened under both Tevinter and Orlais, right?”

I wanted, right now, for Andraste to come and just burn me alive. It would be so much better than the way I was going.

“Why do you think everyone gets assigned random numbers for ID in class?” asked Alistair. “Father wants us to earn the grades, not just get them.”

Please, Andraste, if you have any mercy at all.

“Now, calculus,” continued Cailan, “that was one thing I did not get at all. As far as I can tell it’s one third math and two thirds magic. And I had to transfer to Astronomy when no one would be my lab partner in Chemistry. I suspect they were afraid we’d end up with a fireball while trying to make soap.”

Calculus? Chemistry? I had all I could do getting Bs in Business Math and Biology.

“Astronomy is fun, though,” said Alistair. “So was Anthropology, though I don’t think the Chasinds liked being studied.”

“Father has never forgiven me for majoring in History,” said Cailan. “And when I led Alistair astray and into History, well, that infuriated him. He wanted me to do either Public Administration or Political Science. I don’t care what Anora says, those are just one step up from [i]Speech Communication[/i]. They don’t even require real science classes, just silly things like [i]Introduction to Dragons[/i] and[i] Kingdom of the Sun[/i].”

“You do understand that you can’t talk about this openly,” said Alistair. “No one outside of the family can know.”

“Wait—you mean you want people to think you’re stupid?”

“Finding trustworthy people isn’t exactly the easiest thing to do,” said Cailan. “Right now I can count on my uncles, First Enchanter Irving, your father, and Alistair. After that the list gets rather short. Most people will hide their true intentions from someone smart; but if people think I’m a fool they’ll be likelier to show their true colors.”

I was beginning to see what he meant. “Like Loghain.”

“Precisely,” said Cailan. “Anyway, enough about us. You probably want to know why you’re here, outside of proving to yourself that we can indeed walk and breathe at the same time.”

“Sure.” I hoped I didn’t sound too relieved.

“It seems that our fathers have been talking,” said Cailan. “They have decided that Elissa will continue seeing Alistair until she is of age. That will give them time to talk—our fathers, that is. They need to decide if they really want to do this, though it does solve several problems for them. It balances Loghain, for one, and solidifies Alistair’s position.”

“So we are officially now seeing each other,” said Alistair.

Squealing, Elissa jumped on him, hugging him for dear life. He gave her a gentle kiss.

“We have you to thank for this, Fergus,” continued Cailan. “If you hadn’t put them in those wedding clothes and sent them down the aisle—I mean, runway—we wouldn’t be having this glorious repast.”

I tried to smile. Maker’s breath, did this mean that we—we were now—family?

“With the weather like it is we can’t have a real party, but we can at least watch some movies or something. The theatre is nice and cozy.”

“No,” said Alistair. “You’ll want one of those epics that run five hours or some boring show about building Tevinter temples or something.”

Cailan acted hurt. “Oh? And how many times have we sat through the “Cheesemaker of Rivain”? Well?”

“That’s an opera!”

“You like opera?” asked Elissa.

“Don’t let the scruffy hair fool you,” said Cailan. “Our Alistair is a man of refined taste.”

“Stop it,” said Alistair. “I do know where you sleep.”

“What are you going to do, come draw on me with Sharpies again?”

“You’re never going to let that drop, are you?”

“Considering what you colored in? You didn’t have to use blue!”

“I wanted it to match your eyes!”

For a minute they looked at each other before breaking into laughter. “You win,” said Cailan. “We can watch the Cheesemaker.”

“Do we have to watch an opera?” asked Elissa. “Don’t you have anything else?”

“Sure!” Alistair took her to the cabinet. “We have all kinds of things. Pick out something you like.”

“Who watches ‘Denerim Doms’ and ‘Highever Harlots?” asked Elissa.

“What? No one!” said Alistair, blushing.

“Gloriously refined taste,” said Cailan.

“Look!” Alistair pulled out a bunch of boxes. “We just got the new ‘Grand Theft Auto: Alienage’! We could play that!”

“You also have ‘Super Mario Kart’,” said Cailan.

“We have a pool table,” said Alistair. “And air hockey, some arcade machines, a basketball game, foosball—“

“You have air hockey?” Elissa perked up. “Fergus busted ours and Dad won’t replace it.”

“How do you break air hockey?” Cailan looked at me.

“I didn’t. I was trying to help Dad fix it.” And I really was, too. “Dad just shouldn’t touch tools.”

“He falls off ladders, too,” said Elissa.

“Our father doesn’t fix anything,” said Alistair. “He just has someone else come fix it, then stands there asking Loghain if he’s doing the right thing. Thank the Maker Grandmother had the sense to get the palace rewired, or there’d have been a fire by now.”

We wandered into the game room. On one wall was a professional sound system. There were all these games, all of them brand new or almost new. The pool table was gorgeous, with big gold tassels and rich green felt. I could see the air hockey and foosball tables, right next to some driving game and a big motion simulator ride. They had a popcorn machine, a bank of soda fountains, and a stocked bar. Sure, we had some of this stuff at home, but nothing this elaborate. When I was twelve I would have killed for this room. Maker, I wanted it now.

Elissa explored the simulator. “What does this do?”

“It has several different settings,” explained Alistair. “Right now it’s on jet fighter. It’s the only way we can fly jets.”

“Your father won’t let you?” I asked. I could see why: he didn’t need them killed in a plane crash.

“We’re too big,” said Cailan. “Fighter pilots have to fit the plane, and we don’t.”

“We’re allowed to fly the transport planes,” said Alistair. “But it’s not the same.”

“Come on,” said Cailan. “Alistair, why don’t you and Elissa get the pool table ready while Fergus and I get the drinks. A pint for you, right, Alistair? And Coke for Elissa.”

“Why can’t I have a pint?” pouted Elissa. “That’s not fair!”

“Because your mother would skin me alive with that sword of hers if she found out I gave you alcohol,” said Cailan.   
“I’m not about to provoke her and find out just how good she is. Tell you what. No one will have pints. Root beer, then?”

“Right,” said Alistair. He looked relieved.

As soon as we got to the fountain, Alistair and Elissa broke out laughing about something I couldn’t hear.

“Listen,” I began, “I never got the chance to thank you for taking care of Elissa at the fashion show. We don’t get many papps in Highever, and I was afraid she’d be overwhelmed.”

“My pleasure. Anora invited everyone with a camera between here and Denerim. I knew it was going to be bad, and I thought she should be warned.”

“You guys took good care of her.”

“I wasn’t going to see her thrown to the wolves,“ said Cailan. “She’s going to be good for him, I think. Help bring him out of his shell, that sort of thing. He’s a bit shy, and having Elissa around will help. That will also shut up some of the people who hang around at court.”

I suddenly realized what he meant. “They don’t want to be with him because—“

“Precisely. Too good for him. Never mind that half of them can’t trace their own family past their grandparents, or would want to. Loghain would have kittens if you suggested that Anora see Alistair. It’s one of the reasons I get along so well with your father. Neither of us likes to stand on ceremony.”

Elissa and Alistair had the table all ready when we got back. Alistair had a sly smile. “Elissa wants us in teams. Us against you.”

“All right,” said Cailan. “But there should be something on the line, don’t you think?”

“My SeaDoo for your bike?” Elissa batted her eyes.

Cailan snorted. “My bike is worth considerably more than your SeaDoo. You’ll have to think of something else.”

“Umm,” I said, “I don’t think this is a good idea.” Elissa likes to play pool. She plays with Dad and his friends a lot. And wins. A lot. This could get very, very expensive. If all she got out of Cailan was his bike he’d be lucky.

“Don’t be such a killjoy, Fergus,” said Cailan. “All right. I’ll bet my cufflinks and gold chain against your SeaDoo. Fair?”

“Didn’t Anora give you those?” said Alistair.

“They’re not going anywhere,” said Cailan. He laid them on the side of the table.

I glanced at them. The chain was a plain gold braid, but the cufflinks had good-sized diamonds in them. They easily cost as much as the SeaDoo, maybe even a car.

He bowed to Elissa. “Ladies first.”

She gave a little curtsey, chalked her stick, and sank her first ball. Winking at Alistair, she made her way around the table, sinking ball after ball until she’d run the table.

By the time she finished Alistair was giggling like a kid, Elissa was beaming, and Cailan looked like he knew he’d really been schooled. He shook his head. “I gather there isn’t very much to do in Highever, is there?”

Elissa gathered up the jewelry. “You should see my trick shots!”

“I can imagine.”

“You know what this means?” said Alistair. “I finally have a chance at winning against you and Father!”

“Maybe I should give you this back,” said Elissa, jewelry in hand. “I don’t want to get you in trouble with Anora.”

“Keep it,” said Cailan. “I’m always in trouble with Anora anyway.”

“That’s stupid,” said Elissa. “You shouldn’t have to marry someone who hates you.”

“Elissa---“ I warned.

“No,” Cailan waved me off. “Elissa’s right. If there were a way out, I’d take it. Anora isn’t interested in a marriage. All she wants is the power. I’m just an accessory to her, a fancy handbag she only needs for special occasions. She wants to control me, not marry me. It’s the closest Loghain can get to actually being on the throne. Loghain wants this, and if Loghain wants it Father does too. What I want counts for little.“

“Then maybe your father should marry her.”

“I suggested that, actually,” said Alistair. “Father was furious with me.”

“Isn’t there another girl you could run away with?” asked Elissa. “There’s got to be other princesses out there.”

“He does have a secret admirer,” said Alistair. “Well, I don’t know how secret she is; she’s been sending him things and visiting as long as I can remember.“

“Who?” Elissa bounced around.

“Empress Celene,” said Alistair.

“What?” Elissa stopped dead. “Loghain would flip out!”

“We don’t get to see each other very often,” said Cailan. “And you’re right. Loghain would flip out, which is why I have no choice but Anora. I sometimes think if Father had a throne to give Loghain, he would. Maker, there are times when I think he’s going to abdicate for Loghain.”

“Loghain says he doesn’t want to rule,” said Alistair. “Of course he’s lying.”

“I’d prefer not to dwell on the upcoming fiasco that will be my life,” said Cailan. “Come on, Alistair. Rack them up. Fergus can start off.”

Before I could take my shot one of the servants brought Cailan a phone. He took it without saying anything. “Father! How are you?”

“Is that really King Maric on the phone?” Elissa asked Alistair.

“Well, we don’t call Loghain ‘father’, now, do we?” asked Alistair.

“No—I mean, oh, nevermind. I guess I’m not used to this.”

“No one hurt Anora.” Cailan looked annoyed, maybe angry. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him mad. I don’t think I want to.  
We all gathered next to Alistair. Cailan had his back to us, not that it mattered; we could hear everything he said.   
“I tried to get her to dance. You know Anora only does what she wants, when she wants. Attempting to change her mind is folly.”

Oh, Maker. Anora must have called Loghain about the dance, and Loghain had gone right after Maric. And now Maric, and probably Loghain, were coming after Cailan.

“Then let me talk to him, OK?”

“Oh, Maker,” muttered Alistair. “Loghain’s there. Poor father.”

After dealing with Loghain myself, I wondered if we’d be able to hear him over the phone.

“Loghain! How are you? Now, now, you know better than that.” Cailan was doing everything he could to sound friendly, trying to keep things calm. “She’s just upset because she couldn’t dance. No, Loghain, I didn’t do anything to hurt her feelings! Why would I? Oh, now, come off it. Alistair and I were up in our suite when she fell. No, there weren’t any Orlesians around! Loghain, she’s fine. It’s really all under control. You don’t need to come. We’re going home day after tomorrow anyway. All right? Fine.”

He came back to us, shaking his head. “I think I’ve talked him out of coming here to rescue Anora. I’m wondering what she told him.”

The phone rang. He picked it up right away. “Yes? Wait, who is—Anora? What is it?”

Alistair buried his face. “No,” he whimpered. “She’s been drinking.”

“So?” said Elissa.

Alistair looked pained. “She starts out as a silly drunk, and then gets morose. It’s early for her. Usually it’s late when she starts calling.”

“Yes, Anora, I love you too. No, I really mean it. I’m not just saying it. No. Who’s that there with you?”

“Maker’s breath,” said Alistair. “She’s at the ‘I Love You’ stage already.” He sighed. “Well, at least she’ll be asleep soon.”

“Bella? Hello, Bella. Is Anora sitting up? Good. Why don’t you help her to bed, get her comfortable, that sort of thing. She’s going to need it. All right? Do I need to have Wynne come and help you? No? Good. All right. Let me talk to her again. Anora? OK. Bella’s going to help you get ready for bed. All right? You need to get some rest for tomorrow. OK? Yes, I know. And I love you too. Good—good night.”

“Is she ok?” asked Elissa.

Cailan nodded. He looked both resigned and concerned. “She started drinking right after she left. She has a few others there with her, and if things get out of hand Wynne will take care of them.”

Until that minute, if anyone had ever asked me who I felt sorry for, I can guarantee you that Prince Cailan Theirin would not have been on the list. I would have picked someone from the Alienage, maybe, or some woman stuck with fifteen kids and no husband. Never, in a million years, would I have picked Cailan. But right there, right then, I would not have traded places with him for anything.

The phone rang again. “Maker! Yes—who is—Uncle Teagan?”

Alistair dropped his head. “And here it is—the trifecta of disaster.”

“Wait, wait, wait, Uncle Teagan.” Cailan sounded confused. “You’re in jail? For what? How did—never mind. What do you—no, I can’t just come get you. The storm is very, very bad. I’ll have to send someone. Well, yes, it will be a bit before anyone gets there. I can have someone take a message to the girls for you, yes. No, they shouldn’t have to wait. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Maker’s breath,” he said after hanging up. Cailan sighed, annoyed. “Well. It seems Uncle Teagan is in the local jail.”

“What for now?” asked Alistair.

“What do you think? Anyway, he and Tommy Howe were arrested and are now being held until a letter can be delivered releasing them. And in this storm, that may be a while.”

“I can take the Hummer,” said Alistair.

“No, you cannot,” said Cailan. “If either of us are seen going out into this storm, the papps will assume the worse and they’ll have a field day with it. It has to be someone else, somebody we can trust.”

I saw where this was going. “I can go,” I said. “I’ll get the van and I can go.”

“Oh, no, you can’t,” said Cailan.

“Why not?”

“Because it appears that they were running their little operation from your van. It’s been seized for evidence.”

“Dad’s going to kill you,” said Elissa.

“I have to go write a letter so they can be released.” Cailan sounded like he’d had it. “Personally I’d like to leave him there, but if I don’t get him out he’ll raise bloody murder. Father will get involved, and then Loghain, and Loghain hates Teagan. And I can’t leave Tommy there, either, because his father and Loghain are thick as thieves, and we all know where that will lead. Oh, Maker.”

While he wrote the letter I tried to figure out what I was going to do. Going out in the storm alone wasn’t a good idea, but I didn’t want Elissa along; even if there’d been no storm I didn’t want to take her to a jail, even a little rinky-dink one. And I already knew I couldn’t take either Alistair or Cailan, the two I’d feel the safest with. Who else—sod it, I knew what to do. I called Nate.

Nate and Morrigan showed up. He looked confused; she looked annoyed. They both looked a little breathless, like they’d been interrupted just as things really got going.

“What’s going on?” he asked as soon as he saw me.

“Your brother’s in jail,” said Elissa.

“So?” Nate sounded disgusted. “He can stay there. Let Father come get him this time.”

“We can’t,” explained Alistair. “He was arrested with Teagan, and if we don’t get them both out there’ll be endless problems.”

“And you need outside help,” said Morrigan. “Well, that’s too bad. I’m not going to rescue the fool.”

“No,” said Nate. “Alistair’s right. I’d better get my car and go get him.”

Nate’s car. He didn’t know. Maker!

“Here you go, Fergus.” Cailan handed me the sealed envelope as he strolled in. “Good evening Nathaniel, Morrigan. Ready to join Fergus on his glorious adventure?”

“Yeah,” said Nate, resigned. “We can take my car.”

“Uhhh, Nate?” I didn’t want to have to be the one to do this, but I didn’t have a choice. “About your car—“

“What about my car?”

“Um, you know how the other day you and Tommy and the guys were daring Sten to lick the lamppost and he got stuck?”

“Yeah? So?”

“Uh, well, when he got loose he took the lamppost and beat your car to shit.”

“WHAT!?”

Cailan picked up the phone like he was making a call. “Hello, Progressive Flo? If a Qunari giant smashes my car into scrap with a lamppost, am I covered? What? Call the lizard?”

“It’s not funny, you sodding jackass!” screamed Nate.

We all froze. You just don’t call the Crown Prince a sodding jackass. Nate realized his mistake, but it was too late now.

Cailan put the phone down. “Oh, I don’t know. You’re the one who provoked a Qunari, not I. And all you lost was a car. Do you have any notion of what he could have done to you?”

Nate kind of stammered out an apology. Right about then I think he was less concerned with what Sten could have done than he was with what Cailan was going to do.

Cailan handed me the keys to the Hummer. “Good luck, Fergus. With this storm you’re going to need it. Elissa will stay here with us, so you won’t have to worry about her.”

Morrigan waited until we were in the Hummer and on the way out of the parking garage before she laid into Nate. “Sodding jackass! The only sodding jackass here is you! Do you have any idea what you’ve done? Do you have any idea what could happen to you? Be glad he’s too stupid to get creative with you! Maker!”

I was going to say something, but remembered what Cailan and Alistair had said about their image. Instead I concentrated on getting us down into the village in one piece.

Growing up in Ferelden you get used to wild weather. You can be swimming one day and ice skating on the same pond the next. But even for Ferelden this was a bad storm. Trees were hitting the ground, sending up clouds of snow to mix with the stuff coming down. Even with all the lights on, I could barely make out the road. Not that there was much road to see; the snow was so thick I had all I could do to make out what might be parked cars and what might be road. Every now and then Morrigan cast a spell that cleared a bit of road, but the storm was so wild she eventually gave up.  
As we inched our way along, I tried to think about everything that had happened tonight. Mom was going to be beyond thrilled about Elissa and Alistair. Sure, Dad and King Maric worked it out over the phone, but if either Elissa or Alistair objected it would have been DOA. Instead they were happy. And that meant that now we—and by ‘we’ I mean I—were almost members of the Royal family. Maker.

“Watch it!” yelled Nate.

I hit the brakes. Just ahead of us I could make out a red light on the snow.

Someone came up and pounded on Nate’s window. I couldn’t tell who it was.

“Fergus!” yelled Jory. I didn’t recognize him under the ski mask and snow. “Help us! We’re stuck.”

“Get in,” said Nate.

Jory and another guy scrambled into the back. Morrigan slid as far away from them as she could.

“Fergus!” said Daveth through his muffler. “Am I glad to see you. We were trying to get back to the cabin when we got stuck.”

“Why didn’t you just stay at the Lodge?”

“Because the cabin’s on fire,” said Jory.

“WHAT?”

“Shut up, Jory,” said Daveth.

Sod it. Sod Tommy, Teagan, Jory, Daveth—all of them. I put the Hummer in gear and headed towards the road to the cabin.

The cabin was maybe a mile from the lodge, but it took a good hour to get up there. It wasn’t hard to spot it. All I had to do was look for the fire trucks. Even in this storm they were fairly easy to see: red and yellow lights blurred by the snow. Dodging some trees and cars, I finally pulled alongside.

From what I could make out it looked like the cabin was still standing. There were two fire trucks out there, with some people standing around. Daveth and Jory bailed just as we stopped, running for the cabin. If the place had really burned out or was hurt in any way, I was going to kill them. And then let Mom kill them again.

One of the firemen came over. He said it was nothing serious, just a rug that caught fire. The people at the cabin were intelligent and did the Right Thing by calling before it became a problem. And we were lucky to have such good renters. I didn’t tell him that these renters were idiots and I couldn’t wait to throw their asses out. It probably would have sounded bad or ungrateful or something.

I thought about getting out to inspect the place, but the way the wind was rocking the Hummer made me decide to just get back down the hill and over to the jail. I could come see the place tomorrow, or the next day before we left. Either way they weren’t getting their deposit back.

It took us an hour to get back to the road into the village. The Hummer held onto the steep road despite the snow. I didn’t dare take it faster than a crawl. I didn’t want to smash us to death on a tree, and I didn’t want to get any scratches on it. Alistair is usually pretty cool, but I didn’t want to go pushing it.

Another hour and we were in the village. The jail was right on the town square, so it wasn’t too hard to find. We parked right next to the door. It’s not like they were going to go towing the Hummer or anything.  
Once inside the jail we looked for someone in charge. The only light in the place came from a little old fashioned oil lamp at the main desk.

“Yes?” An old woman, older than the mage Wynne, sat behind the desk. She was all bundled up in coats and scarves. “What do you need?”

“We’re here for the prisoners.” I tried to sound official.

“Which ones?” She flipped open a big book. “I’m sorry. The computers are all down, so I have to do this the old way.”

“Bann Teagan and Thomas Howe.” I handed her Cailan’s envelope.

“Oh!” Her eyes went wide. “A Royal command! From Prince Cailan himself!” Smiling, she held that envelope like it was made of pure gold. She looked like she was seeing Andraste herself.

“The prisoners?” asked Morrigan.

“Huh? Oh, yes. Them. Well, I’d like to let you have them, but the paperwork will take me some time. Just have a seat and I’ll get right on it.” She leaned back, holding the envelope. I think she may have kissed it.

We found some hard wood chairs and a Coke machine, which was pointless since there was no power for it anyway. Nate didn’t care. He walked up to the machine, fooled around with something, and CLUNK out came a Coke.

“Impressive,” said Morrigan.

Nate got two more Cokes from the machine and we all settled in to wait. There was no clock or anything in the room, but we seemed to be there a good long time, way over an hour. Morrigan flipped through the Wanted posters. I wondered if she was looking for someone, or if she just wanted to see if she was in there. Finally the woman called us up to the desk.

“All right. I’ll take you back to get them.” She lumbered out from behind the desk, a mass of coats and scarves. We followed her down the dark hall, passed some locked doors, and finally stopped at a heavy steel door.

The jail itself was tiny, with four cells. One had a couple of skanky-looking girls, who were asleep on the cots. The other had Teagan and Tommy, with Tommy crashed out on the floor.

“Nate!” shouted Tommy. He was so seriously wasted it took him three tries to stand up. “I love you!”

“Shut up,” said Nate.

The old lady retrieved their coats and gloves so they wouldn’t freeze to death on the way to the Hummer. I didn’t care. They were going to be clearing the snow off anyway so we could drive back.

We waited inside while the two of them cleared the Hummer. There was no way I was going to go outside and freeze. Morrigan probably could have done it with a spell or something, but right about then I figured Tommy needed to do a little hard time.

By the time we finally started back, I was getting really tired. Nate offered to drive, but Cailan had given me the keys. Besides, I didn’t think he’d want Alistair’s Hummer driven by the guy who’d called him a sodding jackass. So I took a deep breath and started back.

Nate and Morrigan snuggled together in the back seat, with Tommy alongside. Teagan rode shotgun.

“Tommy,” said Morrigan, “you’re giving Nate your car.”

“What?” said Tommy. “No way! I won that car! It’s mine!”

“Yes,” she said. “And because of you, Nate no longer has a car.”

“What?”

She told him about Sten and the lamppost. I knew she was making a mistake, but I was too tired to care.

“You’re shitting me!” screeched Tommy. “Oh, man, I’d love to have seen that!”

“I’d love to let him pound you!” shouted Nate.

“Your car was a piece of shit anyway!”

Nate lunged for him. I hit the brakes before something happened and I lost control of the Hummer.

“Knock it off!” I yelled. I’d had it with them and just about everybody else. “Nate, sit down. Dammit, Tommy, either give him the sodding car or I’m taking your ass back to jail.”

“What? No way! Dude, you wouldn’t dare! My Dad will kill your ass!”

“Yeah? Since when does your Dad give two shits about you?”

“You provoked a Qunari guest,” said Morrigan. “You do know what that means, don’t you? The Qunari ambassador could demand that you be turned over to them for punishment. They are not known for mercy.”

Tommy slid down on the seat. “We were just playing around.”

“You attacked a Qunari?” said Teagan. He sounded like he understood where Morrigan was going, and decided to help her scare Tommy into giving the car to Nate. “They still cut out tongues and—other things.”

“Shit.” Tommy whimpered.

“They live a long time,” said Teagan. “And they have long memories.”

“But,” began Tommy, “how does giving Nate my car settle things with Sten?”

“Sten may consider destroying the car revenge enough,” said Morrigan.

“But only if Nate agreed,” added Teagan. “Otherwise Sten could consider this the first shot in a war.”

“I don’t get it,” said Tommy. He sounded very small.

“If Nate agreed that destroying his car was revenge against you as well, Sten would probably agree that the score with you was also settled.” Teagan sighed. “Of course, you could always take your chances with Sten yourself.”

Damn, Teagan was good.

“So, if I give you the car, you’ll call off Sten?”

“Yes,” agreed Nate. I think he’d figured out what was up, too. Tommy was so far gone he could be forced into this. Not like it would have been all that hard if he’d been sober, but this just made it easier.

“All right.” Tommy sounded like he was going to cry. “I’ll give you the keys when we get to the room. OK?”

“OK,” said Nate.

Most of the rest of the drive back was peaceful. Tommy fell asleep, while Teagan tried to flirt a little with Morrigan. She cut him off so fast I was surprised there wasn’t blood all over the place. He tried to get Nate to talk about hockey, but Nate was still so mad about the car that he didn’t really want to talk. Besides, he had Morrigan next to him, and they were more interested in cuddling and kissing than anything else. So Teagan decided to talk at me.

“How well do you know Alistair and Cailan?”

“Not very well.” I didn’t know how much he knew about Alistair and Elissa, so I decided not to mention it.

“Well, they obviously like you or they wouldn’t have sent you on this errand.” He smiled. “And I’ll bet Alistair wanted to come, but Cailan wouldn’t let him. Right?”

“Yeah.” I managed to avoid a car stuck halfway out in the middle of the road.

“That’s Cailan,” said Teagan. “He watches out for Alistair. Always has.

“Alistair lived with us until he was seven. Then one day Maric and Cailan and most of the Court showed up to get him. Alistair didn’t know what was up other than we were getting a Royal visit. When he found out why they had come, he went running off to the stables. He tripped and fell into some mud, got up, and hid. It took hours to find him.”

Somehow I could see Alistair landing in a mud puddle.

“Cailan kept trying to get him to play, or go see the old armory, anything. Alistair didn’t want any part of it. Maric was going to send him off to the Chantry, and Loghain—well, let’s just say Loghain didn’t think Alistair should have even been born at all. But Cailan begged to bring him back to Denerim, and finally Maric gave in.

“Loghain was pissed off. He doesn’t like it when Maric does something other than what he wants. It’s been twelve years, and he still hates Alistair and won’t forgive Cailan. I keep hoping Cailan will elope with the Orlesian, but he’s too honorable to do that. He’ll stay with Anora and be miserable.”

Now, I don’t know what you have heard about Teagan. I know what I’d seen, and I know how he’d been acting the last few days. So if there was anyone here who might have trouble with the idea of ‘honorable’, it’d be Teagan and probably Tommy. No, forget that. Tommy had no ideas at all, except how to get stoned. And I’d been perfectly willing to use him for that, even been willing to go to Amaranthine to get wasted. Instead I’d ended up here, babysitting Elissa and now driving Teagan back to the Lodge. Maybe he wasn’t the only one who needed to understand ‘honorable’.

“Watch it!”

I hit the brakes. Ahead of us I could barely make out a shape, right next to the Hummer. The shape pounded on the window. I unlocked the doors so whoever it was could get in.

“Thank the Maker!” Three girls piled into the very back of the Hummer. “We’ve been stuck for hours. We thought we’d freeze!”

I recognized them from the Lodge. They’d been there all week, too, partying and hanging out. They recognized Teagan right away and started talking to him. “Maker’s breath,” they said, before talking to him all at once. I didn’t mind the chatter. It kept me awake for the last part of the trip.

Over an hour later we finally reached the Lodge. From the way the snow looked I could tell it was past daybreak. I drove into the parking garage where I let everyone out. The girls clung to Teagan, telling him that they had nowhere to stay and since they couldn’t go back to their car, could they possibly convince him to let them stay with him for the night? They didn’t want to freeze to death in the lobby or worse, have to stay in the Hummer. Teagan very gallantly informed them that yes, they could indeed stay with him.

As we got out he came over to me. “Listen, Cousland. It’s my fault about the van. I’ll take care of it for you, just so long as your father doesn’t get word. All right?”

“Sure.” I was too tired to care anymore.

We staggered up the stairs. All the sleep I hadn’t had was catching up to me, fast. When we finally got to the Royal suite, my legs felt like I was dragging three Dwarves on each one. Drunken Dwarves. Unconscious, armored, drunken Dwarves.

The guards ushered us into the study, where a big TV was playing cartoons. Elissa, Alistair and Cailan were all eating pancakes and watching Bugs Bunny torment some poor bastard.

I sort of listened while Teagan thanked everyone, and sort of listened while Tommy mumbled something that also sounded like thanks. Cailan invited everyone to breakfast, but Teagan wanted to get the girls someplace ‘safe and warm’ while Tommy just slumped to the floor.

Nate and Morrigan hauled him to his feet. As they were leaving a book fell out of Morrigan’s bag. Alistair picked it up.  
“Here you—what’s this? His Flaming Sword? What?” Alistair turned red.

“No!” shrieked Morrigan.

Cailan plucked the book from Alistair. “Ferelden Feminist Poetry, eh? Hmm.” He posed like he was reading for a play or something. “As she took his hardness into her wetness, his length began to—“

“Give me that!” Morrigan ripped it out of his hands.

“What are you reading?” asked Nate.

“Nothing!” she shouted.

“Glorious feminist literature, of course.” Cailan had an absolutely wicked grin.

“I thought you were reading His Lucky Sword,” said Elissa.

“You—“ Alistair kind of gasped—“you read those things, too?”

“Of course she does,” said Cailan. “You didn’t think you were the only one who read them, did you?”

“I—what?” Alistair was really red now. “Oh, Maker.” He buried his face in his hands.

“We’re leaving!” Grabbing Tommy, Morrigan stomped out the door. Nate, Teagan and the girls followed her.

Before I knew it was at the table, with a pile of pancakes in front of me. Sure, I was tired, but I was hungry, too, and I’m not going to turn down a free meal. I half listened to Elissa describing the games they’d played after I left. It sounded like they’d at least had a good time.

“Fergus, are you all right?” Alistair looked concerned.

I looked up from my plate. Where my face had landed. Right in the middle of the syrup. “Huh? Yeah. I guess I’m tired.”

“If you’re passing out into your breakfast you should go to bed.” Alistair tried to help me up. “Come on. There’s a washroom down the hall. Get cleaned up and we’ll find you a bed.”

I came stumbling back out, syrup washed out of my face and hair. I felt like a complete idiot.

“There’s an extra room down the hall,” said Cailan. “Go sleep there.”

“Uhhh…no, I’d better get back to the room. I need to check on some stuff.”

“Can I stay here?” asked Elissa. “Alistair promised me we could play some of the new games.”

“Sure.” She was safe here. They’d kept her safe all night, so they could do it again.

By the time I got to the room I could barely stand. I opened the door, and stopped.

At the table were Gilmore, Anders, Cullen, and eight girls I’d never seen before. Everyone was missing some—or even most—of their clothing. Everyone was holding cards. Sweet Andraste, even Anders’ cat had a hand of cards. And he was sitting next to this huge pile of clothes.

“Fergus!” Anders looked happier than I’d ever seen him. “You must meet our guests. These ladies are the Orlesian models for the fashion show. I’ve been their escort and translator all night. This is our third hand of strip poker. Want to play?”

The girls looked at me and giggled.

Models. Half-naked, Orlesian models. In my room.

And all of me was too tired to stand.

Besides, the cat was winning.


	10. The Long Road Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to go home. Can Fergus survive the trip?

13 The Long Road Home

I don’t remember much about the rest of the day. Gilmore woke me up to go to the last night pizza party downstairs. Alistair made me go sit at their table, with him, Cailan and Elissa. I didn’t care, so long as the pizza kept coming and the pitcher never emptied.

I didn’t pay too much attention to what was going on, not even to the old silent slapstick films they were showing. There was a Pizza War, where the tables were trying to see who could eat the most. I was a little surprised that Sten wasn’t there; I knew he liked pizza, and any table he’d be at would win the war easily. Instead the Dwarves won by a mile, meaning they got a certificate for a year’s worth of free pizza. If they’d been giving out coupons for free beer, the dwarves would’ve made sure the pizza company went broke.

I saw that the Orlesian models were still hanging around Anders. I wondered how he was going to fit them all in his car for the trip home. Maybe his cat would cast a spell and make his car bigger inside or something.

Alistair told me that, since the van was gone, we’d get to ride home in one of their coaches. Everyone else we’d brought had arranged rides except for Gilmore, and since he lived at Highever he’d come too. He also let it slip that they’d paid for our room. I didn’t know what to say outside of “Thanks.”

He smiled. “Good. See you in the morning.”

When it was time to leave I saw what Alistair meant by ‘coach’—the giant RVs that we had seen following Cailan on his bike. Inside these were like no other RV I’d seen, and that includes my Dad’s. They had a big TV, a bar, and even a little fireplace. There were sofas, of course, a game table, and a chef in the kitchen. The head of security was in here, too, an older Grey Warden named Duncan. He, Alistair and Cailan obviously liked and respected each other. I wondered where Duncan had been all week, but a look at the dashboard answered that: this had been the command center for security during their stay. I didn’t think Alistair and Cailan would be allowed to go anywhere without some kind of guard, and I was right. But this beat the nervous guys standing around Anora by a mile.

Before I could leave I had to go up to the cabin and make sure Daveth and his friends were gone. Since I didn’t have a car I was going to ask Nate for a ride, but Alistair volunteered to take me instead. He’d heard a lot about the cabin from Elissa, and had to see this place for himself. I felt stupid taking him up to the cabin, but I couldn’t very well say No.

We took his Hummer. He used it as an excuse to drive it over the countryside, although not very fast and not too far into the wilderness; he was worried about driving over somebody’s garden or something. He kind of drove around things, rather than right over them.

By the time we got to the cabin, the only car left was the little gold one Jory had won on "Family Feud". Jory and Daveth were hauling bags of trash out to one of the big dumpsters the village had set up for storm debris. Considering how close the whole cabin had come to being debris because of their idiocy in the first place, that seemed appropriate.

Daveth started with the excuses the second he saw me get out of the Hummer. But when Alistair got out, he shut his mouth in a hurry. Jory, though, wasn’t quite that smart and kept talking.

“Umm, we got the toilets unfroze before you got here because we knew you’d be mad if we didn’t.”

“That was very thoughtful of you, Jory,” said Alistair. “It’s always nicer when people clean up after themselves.”

“Umm, yeah.” Jory picked up the bags of trash and headed for the dumpster.

Inside the cabin wasn’t nearly as bad as I was afraid it would be. There was a nasty scorch mark on the floor where the rug had caught fire, but other than that there wasn’t any obvious damage. There was still a ton of beer in the fridge, with some pizza stacked out on the stove. Jory put all that into his car. I figured they’d probably be eating that for the rest of the week.

Like Jory’d said, the bathrooms were all OK. That was good, because I didn’t want to have to have Anders or Morrigan come and unfreeze them before calling in a plumber. Considering what the plumber had charged last time, I could imagine what he’d want for coming out here after the storm.

I made Daveth lock up and give me the keys. He said they’d hauled eighteen bags of trash out, and knowing what the place looked like before, I believed him. He stood there after giving me the keys, like he was waiting for something.

“What?” I asked.

“Um, I was wondering if I could, you know, have my cleaning deposit check back. Cause I did haul out the trash, and we did fix the toilets.”

“And you guys set a rug on fire and almost burned the place down! And that was after you broke the toilet.”

“Well, yes,” said Jory, “but, I mean, it’s not like something serious happened.”

“I want to know where you’re from,” said Alistair, “where they don’t consider broken plumbing and fires serious matters.”

“Umm, I’m from Redcliffe. But there’s a girl I like from Highever.”

“Well, you know what, Jory?” Alistair said. “I know people in both those places, and I’m pretty sure they’d consider those things serious events. So you might want to rethink what you’re saying.”

That was a little too hard for Jory. He had to think about it for a minute before saying, “Uhh, yes, I think I get it. You think it’s serious.”

“That’s right, Jory!” Alistair smiled at him. “Now, why don’t you and Daveth get in the car and leave before Fergus decides you owe him the car, too.”

Joey opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but then shut it and got into the car with Daveth.

I thanked Alistair on the way back for helping me out. He snickered.

“I thought they were both a little slow before, but now I know how bad they are. Maker’s breath! And your father rented them the cabin. I hope their check’s good.”

“I’ll let my Mom handle them.”

“Ooooh! Ow. I’ve heard about your mother. Well, the football team can always get another tackle, I suppose.”

 

When we got back to the Lodge the coaches were loaded and ready to go. Elissa and Alistair settled down to watch “Mary Poppins” for the trip home. Alistair knew all the words to the songs by heart. That meant that Gilmore and I ended up playing games with Cailan, who was annoyed that he couldn’t ride his bike. Duncan told him there was too much snow on the road, and that while the storm was over there was still too much danger from debris and black ice and whatnot. It’s funny; I kind of got the feeling that, while he wanted to ride the bike home, having Duncan explain why it was a bad idea saved him from wiping out and looking like an idiot—something he wanted even less.

Playing "Monopoly" with Cailan and Gilmore was nothing like playing at home. For one thing, we didn’t have Dad shouting that if he said the sodding top hat was a hotel, the sodding top hat was a hotel. For another, Mom wasn’t banker, meaning she wasn’t giving loans to herself or Elissa all the time. And "Clue"-it was weird not being yelled at for holding back cards that might have given someone else the win. The only thing that approached the homicide- in- a- box levels of insanity of family game night at home was "Scrabble", and that was because Cailan and Gilmore got to arguing over how some words were spelled. Finally Cailan asked Alistair to come check.

“Gilmore’s right,” said Alistair without moving from the TV. “You know he wouldn’t argue with you if you were right.”  
I didn’t want to say that I know Gilmore will argue anything with a dragon if he thinks he’s right. I just kept my mouth shut and tried to adjust my score so I wasn’t losing quite so catastrophically.

We’d been on the road for a few hours when we spotted someone walking along the road. Cailan had Duncan pull over to see who it was.

Sten.

Cailan got out to find out what was up. I could see him talking and Sten just standing there, breathing steam. All Sten had on were the clothes he’d worn that day with the lamppost. Maker’s breath—had he been walking along since then?  
After a few minutes Sten went and climbed into one of the other vehicles in the motorcade while Cailan rejoined us. “It seems,” he said, “that Sten has been hiking back to Denerim to get away from the humiliation perpetrated on him by Tommy Howe. He decided to leave because he said he would have to kill Tommy otherwise, and that was not a good thing to do while a guest on vacation. So here he is.”

“Maker’s breath,” said Alistair, “is he all right?”

“I don’t know,” said Cailan. “That’s why I sent him to the other coach, where one of the mages can look at him. Qunari are tough, but there is a limit.”

Now I felt guilty for not trying to talk to Sten after he bashed Nate’s car to bits. Maybe if I had, he would have gone back to the Lodge instead of trudging alone to Denerim. But Cailan said no, Qunari are odd beasts; and in any event I could easily have ended up looking like Nate’s car. Or worse.

Alistair started up “Beauty and the Beast” for him and Elissa. He knew all the songs by heart for that one, too. Somehow I suspect he knows all the Disney movies by heart.

It was dark by the time we reached Highever. I’d called Mom and told her we were coming with the Royal coaches and motorcade, so she’d be prepared. What I wasn’t prepared for were the TV trucks and lights all over the front courtyard. There were TV cameramen walking around, talking into microphones as we pulled up. Maker’s breath—had something happened to Mom or Dad?

“Sweet Andraste,” sighed Alistair. “I’d hoped to avoid this. Can’t they let us have any peace?”

“You know better than that,” said Cailan. “They have to find some kind of story, and if they can’t find one that they like they’ll just make one up. Right now you and Elissa are one big, glorious story for them. We just have to deal with it. Elissa, Fergus—do you think you can handle them?”

“I can escort you out of here,” said Alistair to Elissa. “That way they’ll ask questions and take pictures, but you won’t have to say anything. All right?”

“Sure.” She grabbed his hand and they went to the door. I could see the cameras already crowding around. Duncan went out, driving them back away from the coach.

“Gilmore,” said Cailan, “why don’t you, Fergus and I leave together. That way they won’t start asking questions about Anora’s whereabouts. All right?”

“Where is Anora? I asked. “Still sulking at the lodge?”

Cailan sighed. I realized I’d crossed the line. Too late.

“What I wanted,” he said softly, “was a marriage from the great romance tales. Equals, a king and queen so in love with each other and their people that they cannot bear to be apart, who share dreams and hopes, and whose goals for their kingdom are wise and good. Instead—ah, well. At least Alistair still has a chance. Elissa at least likes him.”

“Maybe something will come up,” said Gilmore.

“Yea,” said Cailan, “and maybe Loghain Mac Tir will suddenly begin dancing around with unicorns. Let’s attack our besiegers, shall we?” At the door he stopped long enough to make sure that big, wide smile was in place. I knew I’d better be smiling, too, or Dad would kill me.

We followed him out. The flashes from the camera and the big lights were much, much brighter than I expected. It took a second for me to get my bearings before walking to the castle. Most of the papps just took pictures, but one guy grabbed me and spun me around. “Fergus,” he yelled, “how does it feel to have brokered a romance for your sister with Prince Alistair?”

Before I could answer, I was surrounded by them, all screaming different versions of the same question. Gilmore finally pulled me through and we dashed into the guardhouse.

Maker. I need a vacation.


End file.
